Tuesday, 29 May 2012
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Sunday, 27 May 2012
holy crap, we can't believe there are only two episodes left!
it's sunday, so here one comes, and this one certainly looks to be a doozy.
8:45 - time's ticking down to the episode, so make sure you're stocked up on goodies. you don't want to miss anything!
8:55 - almost there. turn the phone on silent and pop the tops off. today's episode sees the return of old buddy james ready, and the addition of maudite, which seemed fitting. also, we were watching the simpsons earlier, and the mentioned game of thrones briefly. huh.
whelp, now sansa's stuck drinking with cersei, who is looking beautiful.
"the world is built by killers. so you better get used to looking at them."
"no, little bird. i won't hurt you."
9:51 - out passed the walls, there is some killing going on.
tyrion is kicking ass on the battle field. the men start chanting "half-man, half-man."
after they set a canoe ablaze?
but then tyrion looks up and a second wave is coming.
"oh, fuck me!" tyrion says.
9:52 - stannis is here, beheading people, whoa! ser manden moore! he got tyrion, right across the face! whoa! and then pod gets moore through the head with an arrow, ending that ordeal. tyrion! no!
9:53 - inside, cersei sits with tommen telling him of the evils that exist in the shadows. stags and wolves! but as he becomes king, all the animals will bow to him.
9:54 - on the battlefield, another wave of men (potentially from highgarden? [edit: apparently aided by tywin]) starts tearing across the battlefield. tyrion is in bad shape, potentially mortal shape... and cersei comes insanely close to poisoning tommen. at the last moment, tywin and loras bust the door in, and stannis is pulled away by his men.
"the battle is over, and we've won." tywin declares, walking into the room.
that episode was huge!
huge huge huge!
is it terrible that i kept hearing march of the dead all the way through this?
9:56 - this sounds like leonard cohen (singing the rains of castamere)
so that was pretty much the best episode yet. and i liked the sex scenes in it! they all seemed narrative.
do you agree?
i mean...george r.r. martin. that motherfucker knows how to adapt his own work. fucking incredible.
we're staying up to watch it again.
it's sunday, so here one comes, and this one certainly looks to be a doozy.
did you know bronn had +4 archery skills?
expect all sorts of carnage, and bloodshed, and well, certainly fire tonight.
will bronn finally find some pigshit he fancies? will dany enter the house of the undying? will jon snow face mance rayder? will stannis breach the mud gate?
join us below the cut to find out.
8:30 - welcome! you're a tad early, but pull up a stool, and pour out a drink. this round's on us.
8:45 - time's ticking down to the episode, so make sure you're stocked up on goodies. you don't want to miss anything!
8:55 - almost there. turn the phone on silent and pop the tops off. today's episode sees the return of old buddy james ready, and the addition of maudite, which seemed fitting. also, we were watching the simpsons earlier, and the mentioned game of thrones briefly. huh.
8:59 - dammit! foiled again. stupid ricky gervais shows.
9:03 - this previously on game of thrones is intense. wildfire! everyone is plotting to kill everyone else it seems, but hey - we knew this. seems like a lot of this westeros action is coming to a head tonite!
9:05 - oh man! i forgot to mention! mr. martin himself writes this one.
9:05 - we start out in the sea on a boat
9:05 - davos is there, walking back. the boat and the music are just super frightening.
9:06 - "kings landing hasn't been home for 20 years..."
davos discusses going back with one of his sons, who is super confident about the outcome of this. poor davos.
"i have faith in the lord of light."
9:08 - we're in the lavish hand's chamber with tyrion and shae. he explains that he's obviously afraid.
"it's not your war," he tells her.
she mounts him.
"it is now."
"you can't fuck your way out of everything," he tells her again.
"i have so far."
then she references their first night together, and how she'd make love to him like it was the last day on earth.
9:10 - now we're with cersei and the maester pycelle.he brought her some essence of nightshade, y'know, just in case.
"i know what ten drops will bring."
she sends the maester off.
9:11 - bronn and his men are singing some lannister songs. (ed note - the rains of castamere)
"where did you learn a lannister song?"
"drunk lannisters."
bronn seems to be picking up a girl who likes his busted-ass nose. his mom broke it the first time, aiming for his younger bro who was always a pest. a few older boys the second time. the third time, well the clothes are coming off. i'm happy to see a woman of colour, but not so happy that it's during a public sex scene. or - well, admittedly, sort of happy. but sad about it.
"well, you don't want to hear about it."
"poor nose."
"don't feel sorry for it, it'll be halfway up your ass by the time the night's through."
9:13 - the hound shows up and is offered a drink *drink* and turns it down.
now he and bronn are having a bit of a staredown.
"you think you're a hard man?" he asks bronn.
bronn offers brown ale and beautiful women, but he knows the hound is there to kill.
"there's women in the ground. i put some there myself. so did you."
"you like drinking, and fucking, and singing, but killing. killing's the thing you love. you're just like me. only smaller."
"and quicker, i'm quicker."
"your lord imp's going to miss you."
oooh, shit. they were going to throw down, but the bells are ringing.
the bells are ringing.
"one more drink before the war, shall we," bronn asks?
and the hound agrees.
9:15 - tyrion and varys oversee things from above as tyrion suits up.
9:16 - varys gives tyrion a map of the tunnels underground while podrick payne dresses tyrion in his battle-vestments.
tyrion is the captain of this ship, apparently.
9:17 - oooh, they're discussing melisandre now, and the impact she might have on this.
varys keeps pressing on with information, about magic, and trust, and even how he was cut.
" i don't believe i've ever told you how i was cut."
"you haven't"
"one day i will."
then he tells tyrion stannis can't sit on the throne because he'd earn it by dark magic.
"..and tonight i believe you're the only man that can stop him."
then tyrion takes his axe.
9:18 - "they're welcoming the new king"
battle of the bands time!
9:19 - "i saw you kill a man with a shield." bronn asserts tyrion will be better with an axe! i wager he's right.
9:19 - tyrion tells bronn that they're actually friends, not sellsword and lord. it's cute.
sansa is super tall. gorgeous dress.
people are assembling in the red keep.
9:20 - joffrey is there, beckoning to sansa as though she's a dog.
"i will pray for your your safety, my lord," she tells tyrion. "just as i pray for the king's."
tyrion appreciates the irony.
tyrion and shae have a furtive sweet moment, then joffrey has sansa kiss his sword, 'cause y'know, of course.
then he gets flustered as she not-so-subtly challenges his battle plans and contrasts his bravery with robb's.
"a king doesn't discuss battle plans with stupid girls."
then sansa explains that robb is clearly more manly, because joff would "of course" be in the vanguard - as robb was always wherever the battle was the thickest.
joffrey has sick ideas of swords and blood consumption.
"the worst ones always live," sansa tells shae. she's become so tragically wise.
9:22 - outside, a horse runs by. joffrey is terrified.
they realize their fleet isn't in place. joffrey is pissed, and a game of telephone begins.
"that would make me the quarter man. that doesn't have the same ring to it."
tyrion starts barking demands, because he likes his head, and doesn't want it removed just yet.
9:23 - sansa is now down below with the queen and the rest of the women.
she's getting drunk *drink*
she's a quote machine!
"i was wondering where my little dove had flown."
cersei's outfit is absolutely amazing. lannister crimson, gold filigree, and what looks to be an embossed or engraved gold bodice, tapering to a belt in the back. what the fuck! costumes! so good!
"fitting, isn't it? men will bleed out there and you will bleed in here."
sansa protests that they have guards, but cersei corrects her. they have guards they have paid - who, once the gates fall, will be the first out the door.
9:25 - news is brought of the first traitors, and cersei is swift.
"have them put their heads on pikes..."
she demands more wine and goes on about traitors. it's cute.
9:26 - tyrion and joffrey stand atop the walls with the archers ready, but ummm, there's apparently some confusion, and there's a dummy ship?
oooh! it's got wildfire in it!
it's turning the water green.
9:28 - "steer clear," davos cries.
but bronn's already drawn the first arrow!
green explosions every where!
davos sons are blown flying. so is davos. it's so sad.
the hound is unhappy!
massive green flames rip everything apart.
this is well, wow.
these guys are all sons of bitches now!
(link)
9:30 - stannis is still alive though, and wants to take the city.
"your grace. the wildfire, hundreds will die."
"thousands," stannis tells him
and shortly after they storm the gates.
finally, stannis is the hardass iron we've read about!
9:31 - so cersei is holding more drunken court with sansa, and discussing death and the finality of it.
"the gods have no mercy, that's why they're gods."
she missed her mother when she died. she was four at the time, and believed prayer could return her mother to life. tywin soon set her straight.
"your father doesn't believe in the gods?"
"he believes in them, he just doesn't like them very much."
whelp, now sansa's stuck drinking with cersei, who is looking beautiful.
"i should have been born a man. i'd rather face a thousand swords out there than be shut up with this flock of frightened hens."
well-bred sansa is shocked by this confession. "they're your guests, you invited them --"
"it was expected of me!"
she's crazy. but awesome. and honest! and there's an interesting commentary on gendered socialization here - who's to say she isn't just as ruthless as fan-favourite jaime, just in a less palatable (ie more lovely and female/woman-identifiable) form?
sansa asks what will happen if the city falls.
she says she'd go yield to stannis, not asking for a private council... 'cause it'd be easier trying to seduce his horse. cersei is drunk and losing it.
"if the city falls, these fine women should be in for a bit of a rape..."
you can tell she's downplaying the situation.
"you'll be glad of your red flower, come the morning."
then she goes on to explain that sansa is a slice of cake waiting to be eaten.
9:34 - stannis' men are approaching shore.
tyrion tells them to rain fire, and the hound is sent to form a 'welcoming party'
"any of these fucking flaming arrows come near me, i'll strangle you with your own guts."
9:36 - it seems they're just shooting regular flaming arrows? they're mowing people down but there are tons left to storm the beaches. stannis reaches the walls of the mudgate, and the man next to him loses his head to a huge stone.
from the hound "any man dies with a clean sword, i'll rape his fucking corpse!"
holy shit! this is gory! people are cut in half!
lancel is arrowed!
9:37 - back inside to cersei, now waxing poetic about jaime, and the difference of their upbringing. fighting versus singing. heirs and being sold.
9:38 - oh, shit. now she's found shae, and is teaching her to curtsy.
a lorathi commoner she was. ceresi knows this, because she had a lorathi handmaiden once.
"but she was a nobleman's daughter. you're not."
it seems cersei is wising up.
you'd better wise up!
(link)
uh oh.
"tell us a story, shae."
9:39 - lancel is here! he brings the bad news, of how "the imp" has burnt up the bay and the ships in it, but the men have made it ashore.
cersei tells him to bring joffrey back.
she wants her son protected at all costs.
she must protect her son from the robots baratheons, starks, et al!
she then explains that ilyn payne is there to murder them both if stannis takes the city.
9:41 - we're back to the bloody, flaming, gory battle, and the hound is scared as hell.
poor sandor! all the fire is messing him up
9:42 - stannis' men have breached the walls now, and are battling men over top.
joffrey runs away.
sandor needs a drink.
"fuck the water. bring me wine."
then he drinks a bottle of wine.
tyrion offers him "some ice milk, and some nice raspberry too."
"i lost half my men to the fire. the blackwater is on fire."
fuuuuuck, poor clegane. the way his voice broke there.
joffrey commands him off. as does tyrion.
"fuck the king's guard. fuck the city. fuck the king."
wow. the hound is epic.
9:44 - they're ramming the gates now, with a sick baratheon battering ram.
and scaling the walls with ladders.
lancel has caught up with joffrey to take him back.
but tyrion says he should stay.
this guy is just a kid. i mean, i hate him, but...fuck.
he leaves ser manden moore with tyrion to represent the king on the field of battle.
all of the lannister men break, and gather around tyrion.
"where's the king" some shout.
"i'll lead the attack," tyrion tells them.
"if i'm a half man, then what does that make the lot of you?"
"don't fight for your king..."
well, it's a really inspiring speech, other than the ownership implied by rape snuck in there, but hey. this is one of those... well, jeff winger speeches.
"there are brave men knocking down our door. let's go kill them!"
9:47 - inside, lancel is telling cersei about the seeming defeat and she punches his arrow wound. smooth.
the women panic, and sansa manages to lead them into a hymn. she'll make an excellent queen, should she ever get the chance.
shae pulls her around the corner and sends her back to her room, but not before lifting up her skirt to reveal a blade.
9:49 - sansa is in her room now, hiding. he fetches a lantern and a doll.
"the lady's starting to panic."
"i'm going. some place that isn't burning. north might be. could be."
"what about the king?"
"he can die just fine on his own."
"i could take you with me. take you to winterfell. i'll keep you safe. do you want to go home?"
"i'll be safe here. stannis won't hurt me."
he lunges forward.
"look at me. stannis is a killer. the lannisters are killers...." blah blah everyone kills.
"the world is built by killers. so you better get used to looking at them."
"you won't hurt me."
"no, little bird. i won't hurt you."
9:51 - out passed the walls, there is some killing going on.
tyrion is kicking ass on the battle field. the men start chanting "half-man, half-man."
after they set a canoe ablaze?
but then tyrion looks up and a second wave is coming.
"oh, fuck me!" tyrion says.
9:52 - stannis is here, beheading people, whoa! ser manden moore! he got tyrion, right across the face! whoa! and then pod gets moore through the head with an arrow, ending that ordeal. tyrion! no!
ow! my nose!
ow! my face!
ow! my nose!
ow! my face!
owww.....
(link)
(link)
9:53 - inside, cersei sits with tommen telling him of the evils that exist in the shadows. stags and wolves! but as he becomes king, all the animals will bow to him.
9:54 - on the battlefield, another wave of men (potentially from highgarden? [edit: apparently aided by tywin]) starts tearing across the battlefield. tyrion is in bad shape, potentially mortal shape... and cersei comes insanely close to poisoning tommen. at the last moment, tywin and loras bust the door in, and stannis is pulled away by his men.
"the battle is over, and we've won." tywin declares, walking into the room.
that episode was huge!
huge huge huge!
is it terrible that i kept hearing march of the dead all the way through this?
9:56 - this sounds like leonard cohen (singing the rains of castamere)
so that was pretty much the best episode yet. and i liked the sex scenes in it! they all seemed narrative.
do you agree?
i mean...george r.r. martin. that motherfucker knows how to adapt his own work. fucking incredible.
we're staying up to watch it again.
watch it again, one more time
watch it again, or i'll break your back
watch it again, or i'll punch your fucking face
you're gonna accept the kids' movie
or i'll kiiiiiilllll you
solo
and the chorus now, everybody
etc.
Friday, 25 May 2012
(link)
hey look! it's new york, full of overexposed brightness and overhead camera angles!
and tobey's telling you about it. well, listen to who's started acting again.
"new york, 1922.
the tempo of the city had changed sharply.
the buildings were higher,
the parties were bigger,
the morals were looser and the liquor was cheaper.
the restlessness approached hysteria."
yay! black people! insanely fashionable black people, i might add - in a convertible?
tom: hey, do you like convertibles?
jane: sofas?
(link)
in the most decadent party yet, people discuss gatsby, and that makes him seem legendary.
"who is this gatsby?"
"do you know him?"
"a war hero!"
[holy shiiiiiit, amitabh bhachchan is in this?! how utterly awesome and appropriate!]
(link)
"mr. gatsby doesn't exist.""gatsby? what gatsby?"
(psst! that last bit was spoken by daisy!)
and of course, gatsby is gatsbying in his crucially decadent reveal of a party.
roger: i need to put together the chips and guac and creamsicles i bought. (link)
anyway, he's requesting the presence of carey mulligan, who i suppose is a character here. daisy? probably daisy. definitely daisy, apparently. i'm not sold though.
"i'm certainly glad to see you again." (daisy)
"i'm certainly glad to see you as well." (gatsby)
lee...i'm very fond of you as well. (link)
hey look! amitabh! he has a hat. a dooope hat. at such a rakish angle!
oooh, baz luhrman directed it. now i understand. both it looking like crap, and y'know, the leo. who, let's face it, looks pretty sweaty throughout this trailer.
this oughta help! (link)
hey, the music here kind of, it isn't good!
it's montage time, cigars, and clothes tossing and polo, and more cigars and cars, and parties. it's good but... too many trailers are built on big songs (jack white in this case) and bigger voice over segments.
carey mulligan moves her mouth a LOT, which is probably meant to be characterizing. i'll allow it.
so apparently the movie contains kissing and fast cars and drama. and ALL of the lights.
(link)
the drama is evidenced by the intensity at the trailer's apex - fast cars! shouting! obscenities! sex! everything on earth!
it's interesting how it appears as though 2012 will be the year that both the spider-man franchise and tobey maguire regain the public's respect. it's humourous that the two events are mutually exclusive, and yet not at all surprising.
also, the choice of releasing it on christmas is well, odd. it makes sense to release it on one of the more consumery days of the year, and yet - do that many people go to movies on christmas?
(ha! although one or both of us do almost every year, so.)
poc count: approximately 15 i could see, with 1 person speaking one or more lines. let's face it, that's more than i expected to see.
our verdict?
...pretty much a trailer!
Sunday, 20 May 2012
Well it's Sunday, and you know what that means. Game of Thrones! We're here as usual to bring you this liveblog, and generally have a good time. This week's episode is called "The Prince of Winterfell" so you know it'll have plenty of alfie. Theon. Huzzah!
(...take off that stupid fitted cap.)
(for those of you still curious, alfie allen is lily allen's brother. who'da thunk it?)
what sort of fun is in store tonite? what will happen with jon and the wildlings? king's landing and stannis? winterfell and their 'prince'? i think theon's in a bit of trouble.
grab a snack, pop open a cold one, and join us after the cut for some answers and a bunch more questions.
8:30 - dude. you're really early. settle in and get comfortable though. there's nothing really here yet though, so talk among yourselves as we pour things and eat some sushi. ooh la la.
(it was commonly said einstein had a penchant for earliness...maybe?)
8:45 - aziz isn't really here, but if he were, he'd advise you to get the drinks and food ready. dim the lights too, not for sexy times, but thrones times!
(link)
8:55 - there's a small change in the line up tonight as old standby james ready is swapped out for la fin du monde! it only seems fitting.
8:57 - aww, man. turned to the channel early and caught some of life's too short. poo.
9:01 - here we go with the hbo jazz and a recap of last week. this show is a little, well, painful to watch. in its brutality. (and sometimes minor adjustments via adaptation.)
9:05 - we're at winterfell. they're killing all the ravens. it looks like we're picking up right where we left off. more greyjoys are there now, including yara.
9:06 - dinner inside with the greyjoy clan. theon wants credibility.
"which one gave you the tougher fight? the cripple or the six year old?"
yara sees what theon did as bullshit. she's pretty much right. she thinks the stark boys were brave.
"are you the dumbest cunt alive?"
whoa - yara doesn't take shit.
theon doesn't want to seem weak, but apparently he looks weak and stupid. yara is badass.
9:07 - she's there to take theon home.
"father wants a word."
"now that you've decorated your walls with the bodies of the stark boys, every man in the north will want to see you hang," yara tells him.
she's right.
9:08 - yara wants him to come home, and tells him a story about how he was a terrible baby and she wanted to strangle him when he screamed. funny stuff. oooh, sibling love. she couldn't do it because he smiled at her. the acting is really fucking great by both of them.
"don't die so far from the sea," she tells him.
9:09 - oooh, jon's been taken to rattleshirt! rattleshirt looks awesome! lord of bones!
9:10 - rattleshirt wants jon killed, but ygritte in her awesomeness convinces the lord of bones that he's a useful bargaining tool.
"what use do i have for a dead man's bastard?"
9:11 - so they take jon in, and surprise! they have qhorin. the rest of the crows are dead.
9:12 - oooh, now it's courting time for talisa and robb.
they discuss parentage, and being a lord while walking with bannerman in a gorgeous setting.
"how can a man be brave when he's afraid?"
"that's the only time a man can be brave, he told me."
wow, ned stark is a quote machine. also, ha! that's so the lion king.
robb wants to go home, he tells talisa, but can't. he needs to defeat the lannisters and achieve justice.
9:13 - a bannerman appears to bring robb the news about jaime escaping.
but who did this, asked robb?
...
...
your mom.
burn.
robb is furious!
"tell me this isn't true" he tells catelyn.
"why?"
"for the cause." she tells him.
she did it to get her children back.
"i have five children, and only one is free."
9:14 - lord karstark is pissed that catelyn has essentially committed treason when he's lost sons too. he wanted the kingslayer dead.
"make sure she's guarded day and night. how many men did we send after the kingslayer?"
"forty"
"send another forty"
wow, robb is making tough choices.
9:15 - whoa, it's jaime and brienne in the woods. i think they're moving some of this shit up.
"a captive knight deserves to know his captor's name."
"brienne of tarth," she tells him.
he discusses her lineage and banner, then berates her under the guise of getting to know
each other over a long walk.
"has any ever told you you're as boring as you are ugly?"
they have a cute dynamic. though he is basically a troll.
"do you think you could beat me? in a fight?"
"all my life men like you have sneered at me. and all my life i've knocked men like you into the dust."
9:18 - tywin time! he's discussing yielding to stannis. things are very tense these days. arya is there listening to the discussion and learns of winterfell's seizure.they've decided to head for king's landing leaving gregor behind. with arya!
9:20 - eww, biter is here now, and he's causing some distress for arya. luckily some other shit pulls him away. now we're back to hot pie and gendry. they're discussing recipes. arya needs jaqen. awesome, awesome. jaqen. eventually everyone marches off though.
9:21 - back with jon and qhorin, who's forcing jon to kill him, at least, getting ready to if they're pulling enough from the book. ygritte understands i think.
9:22 - hey look, it's tyrion, and bronn who's awesome and picking his nails.
"do you have to do that here?" tyrion asks him.
"i like to keep my hands clean."
"but do you have to do it here?"
tyrion wants him to wear a goldcloak, but for a dozen reasons he's against it.
"we had a deal, and wearing a goldcloak wasn't part of it."
there's a bit of a rift developing maybe, between the two of them?
tyrion wants him strategizing for stannis' arrival, but he can't pronounce the names of all the authors names in these books he's reading.
(tyrion likes books, you see.)
but bronn can?
...he can read? interesting! i wonder if that will come up again later.
9:24 - any way, varys is here with compliments for every one.
bronn tells them both.
"have you ever been in a city that's been in a seige? it's not the fighting that kills the people, it's the famine."
he explains a terrible, terrible scenario.
9:25 - stannis knows king's landing, and that's not good. here we go with another map and strategy amongst the three of them.
9:26 - back with samwell and pip and grenn. they're digging and arguing about whether jon and qhorin will survive.
9:27 - oooh, man. they found a seal of the first men!
holy shit! it's the horn! and dragon glass! gorgeous, gorgeous dragon glass.
this is quite different.
"why did a brother hide it here?"
"because he wanted someone to find it."
9:28 - back to arya, she's being harassed, but owes one more name to pretty, pretty, jaqen h'agar.
"how long after i give you a name will you kill someone?
"a minute? an hour? a day? a month? life is uncertain."
she tries to get him to kill tywin and he declines, so she gives him his own name.
"a girl gives a man his own name?"
then arya tells him to go kill himself.
she'll give a name though, if he helps her escape. otherwise, the name is his.
arya is awesome.
"if i do this thing, a girl must obey."
"a girl will obey."
"a girl and her friends will meet; walk under the arch at midnight."
9:30 - hey, it's some lannisters, and podrick payne. they're eating some lamprey pie. yummie.
they discuss a young jaime and war some more.
"some men have a place in this. some men don't."
9:32 - cersei tells tyrion that varys is dangerous cause he doesn't have a cock.
tyrion tells cersei joffrey should go to war.
cersei has found a whore, and says she'll claim tyrion was plotting to kill joffrey.
another tour de force between these two actors here. great scene. tyrion is chilling.
9:34 - so it turns out cersei is going to keep tyrion's 'whore' until after the war, and if anything happens to joffrey, she gets killed. evil.
ooh, hey - look! that's not shae. it's roz! surprise! (especially because there's no chataya OR alayaya!)
great reveal!
9:35 - "i will hurt you for this . the day will come when you think you're happy and your joy will turn to ashes in your mouth."
tyrion is pissed.
9:36 - he runs home to shae, who is okay. nice.
"we have to be more careful," he tells her.
"i'll cut off their faces." ooh, shae is cute... and well. we'll leave it there.
9:37 - tyrion wants to own her, and tells her to say she's his. but it doesn't work so well.
9:37 - roose bolton is talking to robb. they're discussing attacking theon. they've gotten no word from ravens they've sent.
"any ironborn with the exception of theon greyjoy. he betrayed me. we will hunt him down wherever he runs."
robb is going to get theon.
oooh, good. talisa's back. robb. this is bad news, bro.
she reveals how slaves in volantis are tattooed and/or branded on the face with whatever discipline in which they are forced, so that one is never forced to speak to them. pretty fucking brutal.
she's an interesting swerve on jeyne westerling...
"i hope it's a nnice bridge." she tells robb
9:43 - anyway. her hair is out, and they're going to bone now.
way to have too many layers, robb.
way to keep the boots on talisa.
she's laughing too.
it must be hard to live on game of thrones.
9:45 - back to arya et all. jaqen has orchestrated their departure past a crew of impaled guards he killed. jaqen is so cool! so, so, cool!!
9:46 - whelp, here's stannis and davos after a while... they're discussing the onion knight thing.
*wank wank* exposition. blah blah.
"i understand why the older families look down on me."
see, davos dad was a crabber. this is low class? i miss renly.
"i do like dogs, good animals. loyal. but we ate them." poor stannis.
davos showed up though, and saved the day with his smuggling. and still lost his fingers.
"but now i'm the king by every law of westeros, and when i sit on the iron throne, you'll be my hand." nice call, stannis. davos kneels, but seems conflicted.
9:48 - oooh, joffrey. boo! he's discussing attacking the starks, even though they're under attack soon.
"they say stannis never smiles. i'll give him a red smile. from ear to ear." oooh, joffrey.
9:50 - tyrion wants to call a truce with varys, who is nervous.
"if you want to play, you'll have to start."
he tells varys of how he was made lord of the drains and cisterns when cersei became queen.
"if stannis breaches the gates. the war is over."
9:51 - dany is alive, varys tells tyrion, and then tells him about the dragons.
"one game at a time, my friend." tyrion is so bad ass.
9:52 - oh good, dany is here finally. with jorah. he's found a ship, and thinks they should leave. without the dragons.
"a mother does not leave without her children."
jorah tries to tell her there not her children, but umm, they did suckle at her breast in the books, dudes.
anyway, jorah wants to leave. but dany says hell no.
"if my dragons are in the house of the undying, then take me there."
she's all, "i'm magic too, jorah. who cares about their magic?"
jorah's too in love with her to care though. and dany is too set on saving her children to go.
9:53 - back at winterfell, theon says they should bury the boys, and the guy who is probably reek or maybe ramsay (whose last name is snow 'cause he's a bolton bastard but i won't refer to him that way because it will likely confuse eeeeeveryone) wants to keep them up.
9:54 - boom! maester luwin sees osha climbing into the crypts with bread. then he goes and sees that the bodies have working legs! ooh, man.
9:55 - "thought this'd be the last place they'd think to look."
"who was that up there, hung up by the gates?"
"must have been the farmers boys."
har har. them little lads are still alive.
"they mustn't hear it from me. the little lads have suffered enough."
well, it's good to have that out in the open, the boys still being alive.
9:57 - well then, that was a pretty good episode. quite a few 'c' bombs though... and hey, let's progress the plot a bit, no? with only two episodes left? there's lots of like, stuff that has to happen, y'know.
8:57 - aww, man. turned to the channel early and caught some of life's too short. poo.
9:01 - here we go with the hbo jazz and a recap of last week. this show is a little, well, painful to watch. in its brutality. (and sometimes minor adjustments via adaptation.)
9:05 - we're at winterfell. they're killing all the ravens. it looks like we're picking up right where we left off. more greyjoys are there now, including yara.
9:06 - dinner inside with the greyjoy clan. theon wants credibility.
"which one gave you the tougher fight? the cripple or the six year old?"
yara sees what theon did as bullshit. she's pretty much right. she thinks the stark boys were brave.
"are you the dumbest cunt alive?"
whoa - yara doesn't take shit.
theon doesn't want to seem weak, but apparently he looks weak and stupid. yara is badass.
9:07 - she's there to take theon home.
"father wants a word."
"now that you've decorated your walls with the bodies of the stark boys, every man in the north will want to see you hang," yara tells him.
she's right.
9:08 - yara wants him to come home, and tells him a story about how he was a terrible baby and she wanted to strangle him when he screamed. funny stuff. oooh, sibling love. she couldn't do it because he smiled at her. the acting is really fucking great by both of them.
"don't die so far from the sea," she tells him.
9:09 - oooh, jon's been taken to rattleshirt! rattleshirt looks awesome! lord of bones!
9:10 - rattleshirt wants jon killed, but ygritte in her awesomeness convinces the lord of bones that he's a useful bargaining tool.
"what use do i have for a dead man's bastard?"
9:11 - so they take jon in, and surprise! they have qhorin. the rest of the crows are dead.
9:12 - oooh, now it's courting time for talisa and robb.
they discuss parentage, and being a lord while walking with bannerman in a gorgeous setting.
"how can a man be brave when he's afraid?"
"that's the only time a man can be brave, he told me."
wow, ned stark is a quote machine. also, ha! that's so the lion king.
simba, being brave doesn't mean you go looking for trouble. (link)
for love and justice! (link)
9:13 - a bannerman appears to bring robb the news about jaime escaping.
but who did this, asked robb?
...
...
your mom.
burn.
robb is furious!
"tell me this isn't true" he tells catelyn.
"why?"
"for the cause." she tells him.
she did it to get her children back.
"i have five children, and only one is free."
9:14 - lord karstark is pissed that catelyn has essentially committed treason when he's lost sons too. he wanted the kingslayer dead.
"make sure she's guarded day and night. how many men did we send after the kingslayer?"
"forty"
"send another forty"
wow, robb is making tough choices.
9:15 - whoa, it's jaime and brienne in the woods. i think they're moving some of this shit up.
"a captive knight deserves to know his captor's name."
"brienne of tarth," she tells him.
he discusses her lineage and banner, then berates her under the guise of getting to know
each other over a long walk.
"has any ever told you you're as boring as you are ugly?"
they have a cute dynamic. though he is basically a troll.
(link)
"do you think you could beat me? in a fight?"
"all my life men like you have sneered at me. and all my life i've knocked men like you into the dust."
9:18 - tywin time! he's discussing yielding to stannis. things are very tense these days. arya is there listening to the discussion and learns of winterfell's seizure.they've decided to head for king's landing leaving gregor behind. with arya!
9:20 - eww, biter is here now, and he's causing some distress for arya. luckily some other shit pulls him away. now we're back to hot pie and gendry. they're discussing recipes. arya needs jaqen. awesome, awesome. jaqen. eventually everyone marches off though.
9:21 - back with jon and qhorin, who's forcing jon to kill him, at least, getting ready to if they're pulling enough from the book. ygritte understands i think.
9:22 - hey look, it's tyrion, and bronn who's awesome and picking his nails.
"do you have to do that here?" tyrion asks him.
"i like to keep my hands clean."
"but do you have to do it here?"
tyrion wants him to wear a goldcloak, but for a dozen reasons he's against it.
"we had a deal, and wearing a goldcloak wasn't part of it."
there's a bit of a rift developing maybe, between the two of them?
tyrion wants him strategizing for stannis' arrival, but he can't pronounce the names of all the authors names in these books he's reading.
(tyrion likes books, you see.)
but bronn can?
...he can read? interesting! i wonder if that will come up again later.
9:24 - any way, varys is here with compliments for every one.
bronn tells them both.
"have you ever been in a city that's been in a seige? it's not the fighting that kills the people, it's the famine."
he explains a terrible, terrible scenario.
9:25 - stannis knows king's landing, and that's not good. here we go with another map and strategy amongst the three of them.
9:26 - back with samwell and pip and grenn. they're digging and arguing about whether jon and qhorin will survive.
9:27 - oooh, man. they found a seal of the first men!
holy shit! it's the horn! and dragon glass! gorgeous, gorgeous dragon glass.
this is quite different.
"why did a brother hide it here?"
"because he wanted someone to find it."
9:28 - back to arya, she's being harassed, but owes one more name to pretty, pretty, jaqen h'agar.
"how long after i give you a name will you kill someone?
"a minute? an hour? a day? a month? life is uncertain."
she tries to get him to kill tywin and he declines, so she gives him his own name.
"a girl gives a man his own name?"
then arya tells him to go kill himself.
go, go, gogogogo kill yourself.
she'll give a name though, if he helps her escape. otherwise, the name is his.
arya is awesome.
"if i do this thing, a girl must obey."
"a girl will obey."
"a girl and her friends will meet; walk under the arch at midnight."
9:30 - hey, it's some lannisters, and podrick payne. they're eating some lamprey pie. yummie.
they discuss a young jaime and war some more.
"some men have a place in this. some men don't."
9:32 - cersei tells tyrion that varys is dangerous cause he doesn't have a cock.
tyrion tells cersei joffrey should go to war.
cersei has found a whore, and says she'll claim tyrion was plotting to kill joffrey.
another tour de force between these two actors here. great scene. tyrion is chilling.
9:34 - so it turns out cersei is going to keep tyrion's 'whore' until after the war, and if anything happens to joffrey, she gets killed. evil.
ooh, hey - look! that's not shae. it's roz! surprise! (especially because there's no chataya OR alayaya!)
great reveal!
9:35 - "i will hurt you for this . the day will come when you think you're happy and your joy will turn to ashes in your mouth."
tyrion is pissed.
9:36 - he runs home to shae, who is okay. nice.
"we have to be more careful," he tells her.
"i'll cut off their faces." ooh, shae is cute... and well. we'll leave it there.
9:37 - tyrion wants to own her, and tells her to say she's his. but it doesn't work so well.
9:37 - roose bolton is talking to robb. they're discussing attacking theon. they've gotten no word from ravens they've sent.
"any ironborn with the exception of theon greyjoy. he betrayed me. we will hunt him down wherever he runs."
robb is going to get theon.
oooh, good. talisa's back. robb. this is bad news, bro.
(link)
9:41 - there's a lot of morbid flirting, talking about sawing off feet and super sad stories about talisa's brother drowning, and the slaves of volantis. a slave came along and saved her brother's life, you see. so she moved from a slave city as soon as she came of age.she reveals how slaves in volantis are tattooed and/or branded on the face with whatever discipline in which they are forced, so that one is never forced to speak to them. pretty fucking brutal.
she's an interesting swerve on jeyne westerling...
"i hope it's a nnice bridge." she tells robb
9:43 - anyway. her hair is out, and they're going to bone now.
way to have too many layers, robb.
way to keep the boots on talisa.
she's laughing too.
it must be hard to live on game of thrones.
9:45 - back to arya et all. jaqen has orchestrated their departure past a crew of impaled guards he killed. jaqen is so cool! so, so, cool!!
9:46 - whelp, here's stannis and davos after a while... they're discussing the onion knight thing.
*wank wank* exposition. blah blah.
"i understand why the older families look down on me."
see, davos dad was a crabber. this is low class? i miss renly.
(link)
"i do like dogs, good animals. loyal. but we ate them." poor stannis.
davos showed up though, and saved the day with his smuggling. and still lost his fingers.
"but now i'm the king by every law of westeros, and when i sit on the iron throne, you'll be my hand." nice call, stannis. davos kneels, but seems conflicted.
9:48 - oooh, joffrey. boo! he's discussing attacking the starks, even though they're under attack soon.
"they say stannis never smiles. i'll give him a red smile. from ear to ear." oooh, joffrey.
9:50 - tyrion wants to call a truce with varys, who is nervous.
"if you want to play, you'll have to start."
he tells varys of how he was made lord of the drains and cisterns when cersei became queen.
"if stannis breaches the gates. the war is over."
9:51 - dany is alive, varys tells tyrion, and then tells him about the dragons.
"one game at a time, my friend." tyrion is so bad ass.
9:52 - oh good, dany is here finally. with jorah. he's found a ship, and thinks they should leave. without the dragons.
"a mother does not leave without her children."
jorah tries to tell her there not her children, but umm, they did suckle at her breast in the books, dudes.
anyway, jorah wants to leave. but dany says hell no.
"if my dragons are in the house of the undying, then take me there."
she's all, "i'm magic too, jorah. who cares about their magic?"
dance, magic, dance!
jorah's too in love with her to care though. and dany is too set on saving her children to go.
9:53 - back at winterfell, theon says they should bury the boys, and the guy who is probably reek or maybe ramsay (whose last name is snow 'cause he's a bolton bastard but i won't refer to him that way because it will likely confuse eeeeeveryone) wants to keep them up.
9:54 - boom! maester luwin sees osha climbing into the crypts with bread. then he goes and sees that the bodies have working legs! ooh, man.
9:55 - "thought this'd be the last place they'd think to look."
"who was that up there, hung up by the gates?"
"must have been the farmers boys."
har har. them little lads are still alive.
"they mustn't hear it from me. the little lads have suffered enough."
well, it's good to have that out in the open, the boys still being alive.
9:57 - well then, that was a pretty good episode. quite a few 'c' bombs though... and hey, let's progress the plot a bit, no? with only two episodes left? there's lots of like, stuff that has to happen, y'know.
Saturday, 19 May 2012
Thursday, 17 May 2012
what's this? the teevee has a gift for us all? and it's 90 minutes of community?!
why, that's sort-of-a-movie!
hooray!
gif party!
and now, a liveblog (after the jump)!
7:53 - i just posted this! hello, potential visitors!
7:57 - up first: digital estate planning. that's right - the 16-bit video game episode is finally (almost) here!
8:00 - look! it's the gang! pierce got a letter from the executor of his father's estate. they're heading to an empty warehouse for a cheque. pierce was told to bring his seven closest friends. he brought 6. levar burton was a close maybe...
anyway, they're going to play a video game pierce's dad created back in 1979 when he tried to convince his dad about the viability of video games as an industry.
8:01 - avatars are made and we begin, all 16-bit style. (don't make me get semantic on why this is 16-bit! AND BADASS!)
8:02 - community, journey to the centre of hawkthorne! there's much humour about who looks like who (britta is so hilariously 90's-racist - colourblind, ya dig?), and the jump sound is from mario. they encounter a hippy.
"peace love, peace love"
he encounters annie and starts dry humping her.
jeff tries to help but kills annie by accident.
jeff is killed too, as he is attacked, but abed convinces the group the hang back and "observe their tactics."
8:03 - oooh, it turns out none of them are dead. heh
respawning in the study room!
"pierce, point the joystick right." - annie
"oh, so i'm just supposed to guess? where are the instructions?" - pierce.
8:04 - they're outside, and pierce's dad is telling us the story of silly pierce thinking video games were a better investment than moist towlettes. then he demeans pierce's friends ("pierce and all," "freaks and junkies" which leads pierce to hilariously defend britta). then he laughs and flys away. he was a head, by the way, after a while.
"worst son ever!"
8:04 - the lawyer is back, and he's telling the gang that this isn't a co-op game.
"is he being ominous?"
8:05 - there's a major freak out as the group learns about pickups, and the crude nature of this game. turns out the lawyer is evil, and there's a plot development! the gang decides to work together.
8:05 - "you made throwing knives. you can throw them."
8:06 - pierce's dad left a note.
"you can leave notes, this game is incredible." -abed.
she then kills him, because there's no hug button.
8:09 - hahaha "good pep talk, jeff." (annie)
"yeah, i used to really love dying but that speech really turned me around!" (shirley)
in response to jeff's pep talk: don't die.
i love the sprite animation on this cow. pretty amusing! but there was weird animation on a background lady sprite with very bouncy breasts. disconcerting!
and the game is un-shockingly racist, as shirley points out (liberate the white crystal from the black caves).
8:10 - the lady character has information on a buttload of topics.
abed: "holy crap! where have you been my whole life?"
hahahahaha annie is immolating that guy and putting out the fire with axes! she is so vicious!
8:10 - now they're in the bar from the overlook hotel?
8:11 - britta straightens a painting, and it ends up being the key to getting to a secret area! britta combat's jeff's gender essentialism with more essentialism. yippee! barf.
8:11 - shirley is panicking over the violence but annie assures her there are no consequences in video games. then the blacksmith's wife comes running down the stairs and panics! shirley kills her brutally, cleaning up annie's messes! she's going upstairs to check for more witnesses - this are annie's loose ends, shirley's just tying them up!
8:11 - abed is in love with the info-lady who ends up being the blacksmith's daughter!
8:12 - the hut is burning! carnage everywhere!
8:12 - "he's shooting lightning and i'm naked!"
8:12 - "dammit! i thought we could count on britta to not screw up drinking."
8:12 - uh-oh, now gilbert is totally destroyed by drinking britta's potion. yay for greendale! or whatever.
8:12 - gilbert just ran a cheat sequence from a terminal screen. dun dun dun!
8:16 - commercials are over! now abed is staying in the village to help hilda? maybe? rebuild her life.
8:16 - they pass "island of laziness" (which is offensively drawn up with tacos and sombreros) "gay island" and all sorts of horrible racism that britta can't believe will rub off on them. but then!
"look out! jive turkeys! kill them before they start multiplying!"
8:17 - pierce finds a white crystal, which he will take, having earned it by virtue of having friends.
8:18 - "arrows!"
8:18 - BURN
GILBERT IS PIERCE'S HALF-BROTHER
8:18 - "do you remember your childhood nanny etta? well, etta had a hot cousin. my mother."
8:19 - oh no! now he has the crystal and he's heading to the castle to win the game and the love of his father! but can he win? his father hated people of colour!
8:19 - i cant get enough of the sound effects.
8:20 - "why are all the trees cut down?" (of course britta notices this)
"isn't this abed's village?"
he's broken the game and made it all his own - he's figured out how to max out and control in-game characters and scenarios! i was worried the village had been razed by gilbert.
8:20 - abed: "she can make babies for me."
troy: "oh, and i can't?! ...i can't."
8:20 - oh no! what a shock there - hawthorne senior is being a complete douchecanoe! he actually used the word miscegenist!
8:21 - poor gilbert! this is pretty hideous. but hooray! the teamworkers are shooting arrows at the floating head of assholery!
8:21 - "i bequeath my fortune to no inferiors!"
oh man! there's a zeppelin, mechs (one of which is a t-rex), a helicopter, can this get any better? hooray for the greendale seven!
"troy and abed shooting lava!
8:22 - and pierce just came riding in on a warhead! bahahaha-yee-haw!
"i suppose you're wondering, why am i breathing weird?" haha!
8:23 - i just made a fucking annie "aww!"
they all forfeited for gilbert!
aaaaand pierce is always carrying a gun - but not in the shower!
8:24 - this is really quite funny - and it seems the group is going out for yard-long margaritas! gilbert's description and delivery of same is pretty golden.
fuck! pierce is thrilled to have a brother - "settle a bet - the word mullato. is it okay, or -?"
8:24 - and abed has come back for the game on a data stick!
"hilda, my love. i said i'd come back for you."
final commercial break!
8:27 - a white baby?
and now troy and abed are choosing to raise it together, and having an emotional fight over the division of parenting labour!
they somehow manage to miss the mother, who was under the table retrieving a toy, and who rightly takes her baby and leaves. the duo resumes their conversation about blorgons.
why, that's sort-of-a-movie!
hooray!
gif party!
7:53 - i just posted this! hello, potential visitors!
7:57 - up first: digital estate planning. that's right - the 16-bit video game episode is finally (almost) here!
8:00 - look! it's the gang! pierce got a letter from the executor of his father's estate. they're heading to an empty warehouse for a cheque. pierce was told to bring his seven closest friends. he brought 6. levar burton was a close maybe...
anyway, they're going to play a video game pierce's dad created back in 1979 when he tried to convince his dad about the viability of video games as an industry.
8:01 - avatars are made and we begin, all 16-bit style. (don't make me get semantic on why this is 16-bit! AND BADASS!)
8:02 - community, journey to the centre of hawkthorne! there's much humour about who looks like who (britta is so hilariously 90's-racist - colourblind, ya dig?), and the jump sound is from mario. they encounter a hippy.
"peace love, peace love"
he encounters annie and starts dry humping her.
i just want someone to love, dry hump, leave, and then brag about. (link)
jeff tries to help but kills annie by accident.
jeff is killed too, as he is attacked, but abed convinces the group the hang back and "observe their tactics."
8:03 - oooh, it turns out none of them are dead. heh
respawning in the study room!
(link)
"pierce, point the joystick right." - annie
"oh, so i'm just supposed to guess? where are the instructions?" - pierce.
8:04 - they're outside, and pierce's dad is telling us the story of silly pierce thinking video games were a better investment than moist towlettes. then he demeans pierce's friends ("pierce and all," "freaks and junkies" which leads pierce to hilariously defend britta). then he laughs and flys away. he was a head, by the way, after a while.
pierce's dad appears in the sky like mufasa - only way less fatherly love and advice, and way more racism and bitterness. (link)
"worst son ever!"
8:04 - the lawyer is back, and he's telling the gang that this isn't a co-op game.
"is he being ominous?"
8:05 - there's a major freak out as the group learns about pickups, and the crude nature of this game. turns out the lawyer is evil, and there's a plot development! the gang decides to work together.
8:05 - "you made throwing knives. you can throw them."
8:06 - pierce's dad left a note.
"you can leave notes, this game is incredible." -abed.
(link)
8:06 - britta tries to assure pierce that they "can't lose because they're playing for friendship, and not greed."she then kills him, because there's no hug button.
8:09 - hahaha "good pep talk, jeff." (annie)
"yeah, i used to really love dying but that speech really turned me around!" (shirley)
in response to jeff's pep talk: don't die.
i love the sprite animation on this cow. pretty amusing! but there was weird animation on a background lady sprite with very bouncy breasts. disconcerting!
and the game is un-shockingly racist, as shirley points out (liberate the white crystal from the black caves).
8:10 - the lady character has information on a buttload of topics.
abed: "holy crap! where have you been my whole life?"
hahahahaha annie is immolating that guy and putting out the fire with axes! she is so vicious!
8:10 - now they're in the bar from the overlook hotel?
(link)
8:11 - britta straightens a painting, and it ends up being the key to getting to a secret area! britta combat's jeff's gender essentialism with more essentialism. yippee! barf.
8:11 - shirley is panicking over the violence but annie assures her there are no consequences in video games. then the blacksmith's wife comes running down the stairs and panics! shirley kills her brutally, cleaning up annie's messes! she's going upstairs to check for more witnesses - this are annie's loose ends, shirley's just tying them up!
8:11 - abed is in love with the info-lady who ends up being the blacksmith's daughter!
8:12 - the hut is burning! carnage everywhere!
8:12 - "he's shooting lightning and i'm naked!"
8:12 - "dammit! i thought we could count on britta to not screw up drinking."
8:12 - uh-oh, now gilbert is totally destroyed by drinking britta's potion. yay for greendale! or whatever.
8:12 - gilbert just ran a cheat sequence from a terminal screen. dun dun dun!
8:16 - commercials are over! now abed is staying in the village to help hilda? maybe? rebuild her life.
8:16 - they pass "island of laziness" (which is offensively drawn up with tacos and sombreros) "gay island" and all sorts of horrible racism that britta can't believe will rub off on them. but then!
"look out! jive turkeys! kill them before they start multiplying!"
8:17 - pierce finds a white crystal, which he will take, having earned it by virtue of having friends.
8:18 - "arrows!"
(link)
8:18 - BURN
GILBERT IS PIERCE'S HALF-BROTHER
8:18 - "do you remember your childhood nanny etta? well, etta had a hot cousin. my mother."
8:19 - oh no! now he has the crystal and he's heading to the castle to win the game and the love of his father! but can he win? his father hated people of colour!
8:19 - i cant get enough of the sound effects.
8:20 - "why are all the trees cut down?" (of course britta notices this)
"isn't this abed's village?"
he's broken the game and made it all his own - he's figured out how to max out and control in-game characters and scenarios! i was worried the village had been razed by gilbert.
8:20 - abed: "she can make babies for me."
troy: "oh, and i can't?! ...i can't."
8:20 - oh no! what a shock there - hawthorne senior is being a complete douchecanoe! he actually used the word miscegenist!
8:21 - poor gilbert! this is pretty hideous. but hooray! the teamworkers are shooting arrows at the floating head of assholery!
8:21 - "i bequeath my fortune to no inferiors!"
oh man! there's a zeppelin, mechs (one of which is a t-rex), a helicopter, can this get any better? hooray for the greendale seven!
(link)
"troy and abed shooting lava!
8:22 - and pierce just came riding in on a warhead! bahahaha-yee-haw!
"i suppose you're wondering, why am i breathing weird?" haha!
8:23 - i just made a fucking annie "aww!"
they all forfeited for gilbert!
aaaaand pierce is always carrying a gun - but not in the shower!
8:24 - this is really quite funny - and it seems the group is going out for yard-long margaritas! gilbert's description and delivery of same is pretty golden.
fuck! pierce is thrilled to have a brother - "settle a bet - the word mullato. is it okay, or -?"
8:24 - and abed has come back for the game on a data stick!
"hilda, my love. i said i'd come back for you."
final commercial break!
8:27 - a white baby?
and now troy and abed are choosing to raise it together, and having an emotional fight over the division of parenting labour!
they somehow manage to miss the mother, who was under the table retrieving a toy, and who rightly takes her baby and leaves. the duo resumes their conversation about blorgons.
i was kind of looking forward to troy and abed's take on the dumpster baby - which of course, said "coolcoolcool!" (link)
8:30-ish - 30 minute break! 'cause we're waaaay done with 30 rock, kristen schaal notwithstanding. coming up next, the first chang dynasty!
8:50 - ten minute warning! get some snacks, grab some drinks! today's liveblog is brought you you by KLB Raspberry Wheat Beer, Crazy Canuck by Great Lakes Brewery, and a seasonal sampler from Mill Street Brewery.
hey, the group is back. they're trying to convince the cops there's a doppeldeaner (and not a deanelganger)!
britta "look! i hate cops!"
i like this cop.
"unfortunately love is not admissable evidence."
ha, he sings it into his phone. he's working on a cop opera
"COPERA!"
"POLISICAL!"
he tells them to stay away from greendale and thanks them for the..hot water.
9:01 - we're back at greendale the prison... or that's what it looks like. plans for a "CHANGSTRAVAGANZA" are being made. he rings for the "deanelchanger." heh. deanelchanger has to fire the custodial staff.
9:03 - "they're like telephones for your eyes" troy and britta are cute.
troy, britta and annie are doing some reconaissance.
9:03 - troy is meeting with dan bakkedahl. to find out what the air conditioning school knows.
turns out a lot!
for instance, all of chang's defence systems, and where the real dean is.
holy wow. basically everything is on tight lock down!
"sorry it was very clear in my head" heh, the montage wasn't part of the story.
9:05 - "not a lot of people get a second chance, just you... and probably obama."
troy owes them for the information now. he owes them his registration at their school.
they'll help with the heist too. but troy will have to move, and give up the group...and the word sensational for some reason?
pierce thinks he'd make a good swami. he's off to get his turban.
"don't be melodramatic, troy. we just have to plan an elaborate heist."
COMMERCIAL
9:09 - they're back, and spoofing a movie that might be one of those oceans movies.
"listen gang, keep an extra tight look out for the greendale seven. i won't have them ruining my 25th birthday" - chang.
9:10 - jeff breaks down their insanely elaborate heist. it's cool. and heisty.
shirley is a chef and makes a toilet jam
troy and abed are plumbers, and look like bob hoskins and john leguizamo!
britta's on facebook with the head guard, and jeff is cancels the magician and annie infilitrated the army.
jeff is RICKY NIGHTSHADE and britta is his hot assistant. jeff looks pretty good too.
9:12 - britta, who is harley quinned out, gets the key during the magic show! troy gets a misc. chang 'misc. chang puns' folder, and the code.
9:13 - pierce shows up and fucks up the whole show...he calls down to see if the dean is still there.
but "the pixie has left the toadstool"
9:14 - apparently the plan failing was part of the plan. it's all part of the plan apparently.
9:16 - troy and abed have detained the fake chang, and the rest of the gang has freed the dean.
9:16 - oh, now chang and his crew is here, sarcastic clapping. the gang is captured.
"shirley, when did you get here" - pierce
9:20 - oh no, chang is revealing his awesome evil plan! apparently a keytar solo will trigger a fireworks explosion destroying all permanent records!
"chang you're crazy! you still do keytar" - troy
"fire doesn't go through doors, it's not a ghost!" - chang
"i suppose this is a long shot, but none of you paid my rent, did you?"
9:21 - people are really grooooving to chang's solo. the gang has busted out though, via troy's awesome A/C skills. or he nodded at the AC guy on camera.
"chang has started his solo, i think that gives us about 9 minutes." - abed
apparently the dean has been renting the place out for raves on the weekends (called acade-mania!) "mostly hard house, a little dubstep" but he drops the lights, and blacklights come on. things get all batman forever, but troy and abed get to and deactivate the bomb.
9:23 - ooooh, lightsabre fight!
but it's broken up by school board guys. the story is broken to them slowly, over parts.
but then this happens.
"what happened to us?"
"well i have a drinking problem."
"we're gonna get fired."
"nobody can sit on something this big."
"I CAN SIT ON IT!" - Dean, who goes Tobias on this shit.
Jeff touches Dean's shoulder and he collapses.
9:25 - now it's time for troy's sad departure.
he tells shirely to never change.
pierce tells him to never wear a rubber.
jeff tells him to never listen to pierce.
he tells annie to let him know what kind of dock is at the end of the pier in the jigsaw puzzle.
britta gives him some hair.
he whispers something to abed.
troy!
no!
troooy!
sorry, we're broken up here.
annie wants to know what he said.
"he said i know you hate it when people do this in movies." abed. then, "i'm sorry i got emotional," and he's off to hide in the pillow fort.
there's a last scene with the dean, who welcomes him
9:29 - crazy! end credits scene is dean trying to convince people to come to school in the morning.
9:30 - aaaaand there's no break between episodes, so we missed a buttload to type up here! *sad trombone*
9:30 - oh, the dean is a sexy construction worker because he's "build-dean to big news!" which is that subway is in a disagreement with greendale, and the dean has offered the space to shirley's sandwiches in the interim! yay!
9:31 - now britta is going to give abed his first therapy session! her shirt is see-thru and i am...distracted.
9:32 - EVIL ABED! NEVERMIND, I'M BACK!
9:32 - this show is so amazingly quick and funny, liveblogging it is kind of a joke. but that's good, right? it's what the people want?
shit, we hope so.
9:32 - troy is really unhappy in a/c school - john goodman has emerged to tell him to come with him, so he can indoctrinate troy into the annals of a/c.
he misses abed so much! he just said so!
9:33 - "you are the true repairman, troy. you fix not only air-conditioners, but the men who fix them.
it's a trade school! it's a two-year degree in boxes that make stuff cold." said with so much contempt! i love this. it's so star wars...he's obviously meant to save goodman.
9:34 - wow, abed and evil abed are throwing it down - and it seems evil abed will be the one to meet with britta for therapy! so dangerous! i can't wait!
9:35 - now shirley is asking jeff to back her up trying to cut pierce out of the business. i love shirley, and to a lesser degree pierce, but i don't want this storyline right now.
9:35 - "my biology final is at 5. i'm available from 3-4. i'll see you in court."
9:35 - OH MY god. OH MY GOD
evil abed invited britta into the dreamatorium. he has his robocop pov, timeline darkness 2%.
9:36 - hahaha jeff doesn't think pierce can outthink him, and pierce grabbed rob corddry, the lawyer who got jeff disbarred in one of season 2's best episodes!
-commercials-
9:39 - "pierce just hired the one man i've spent the last nine months imagining stabbing in the-"
"sundance!"
"tango!"
9:39 - i like their dynamic a lot, even though i'm sure they'll end up hilariously fighting each other soon.
hahahahah
"judging amy or judge judy?"
9:40 - oh man. britta is terrified of him. oh no! he told her he's from the "britta of timelines" and he was sent by "lame abed." sent there because evil abed is better capable of dealing with fear! he's entered the dark timeline, and he plans to make it darker.
"tell me about your parents, britta."
"um...no?"
hahaha she's totally going to do it
poor britta
9:41 - troy was just released from a/c school for asking too many questions about the vice-dean's death! conspiracies are afoot...
9:41 - rob corddry is being a douchenozzle, saying shirley doesn't love her baby because she wasn't sure who the father was.
9:42 - what was he wearing?
he was dressed as a dinosaur!
9:42 - abed is ignoring evil abed;
"i'm not crazy, so i'm not talking to you. i'm reading the novelization of the chronicles of riddick?" abed
"can you honestly say that's a saner decision?" evil abed
this all leads to evil abed eventually becoming the one who britta will provide therapy for.
"you're the centre slice of a square cheese pizza. wait, that sounds delicious. i'm the centre slice of a square cheese pizza. you're jim belushi."
AHAHAHAHAH
9:42 - troy senses the dean somehow! or evil? i don't know. something!
9:42 - (evil) abed is going after jeff now. "i don't suppose lame abed owns a bonesaw."
9:43 - jeff makes a key play by allowing pierce to tell horrible offensive jokes.
9:44 - 13% darkness!!!
9:44 - "i am the truest repairman!"
he's going to challenge bakkedahl in the sun chamber! so much is happening at once!
9:45 - "miss daisy's in the house, thanks for the ride, sorry about slavery."
BAHBHAHAHA
oh man
wait, drew carey's dead? and somehow rob corddry is blackmailing jeff with this case! if jeff wins, he can't work at his former firm - or anywhere else! SOMEHOW!!
9:46 - and the dean just busted in, dressed as "blind justice," which led to him slamming into the table and hitting his fresh tattoo! i want to see pics!
-commercial-
9:50 - apparently we need popsicles, because it's going to get scalding hot in the sun chamber! as dennis, who was apparently on crack, has been shrieking!
but he is wrong about one thing - there are rules.
each man is sealed in a unit with a broken machine. the heat increases until one man wins or one man dies.
9:51 - abed is trying to stop evil abed! but will it work?
oh my god
that was hilarious! very idle hands.
9:51 - aww, shirley. she wasn't guilting anyone there - just saying a sincere wish for her friend.
9:51 - 95 degrees! troy begins only now! and he fixed it immediately. oh troy! you are amazing.
9:52 - aww, jeff! you're spinning the selfishness into something lovely! and for once, i don't want to punch you in the face.
9:52 - haha, buddy admits to killing the dean!
9:53 - "helping only ourselves is bad, helping each other is good!"
9:53 - the a/c folks were all going to let buddy die! but instead, troy is inspired by a mitochlorianesque hologram of the late john goodman to fix the second machine.
rob corddry reveals he fucked jeff over and got him disbarred.
jeff: "i know. and i never got a chance to thank you."
corddry: "this place has made you so gay!"
pierce: "hey! don't use gay as a derogatory term! boo yah, good person."
that was...ridiculously gratifying, actually.
troy, in response to the a/c folks convoluted, mythology-adhering plan for their traitor: "no! take him to the police! he murdered someone! take him to jail. you guys are weird."
haha, troy cuts in to a hug with abed and britta obviously for britta's sake. and acknowledges he can basically run shit now, because he's "[the a/c school's] messiah."
9:56 - oh my god, the next season will be incredible! britta being abed's therapist! the return of the city college dean! chang on his side! jeff looking for his bio dad! shirley's sandwiches is opening! abed and troy are getting separate bedrooms - so troy and britta can bone, i hope! - and the dreamatorium is painted over! luckily abed has created a miniature cardboard one in the blanket fort he now inhabits solo.
I CAN'T WAIT!
why is the next season truncated? there's surely not enough time for all of this hilarity to be realized!
9:59 - "that one tasted like a duck."
i looooove leonard's food reviews. why isn't his youtube channel real? come on, dan harmon! get on that shit!
and what - canadian feed cuts off the end of the finale episode? weak, tv! fucking weak!
8:50 - ten minute warning! get some snacks, grab some drinks! today's liveblog is brought you you by KLB Raspberry Wheat Beer, Crazy Canuck by Great Lakes Brewery, and a seasonal sampler from Mill Street Brewery.
9:00 -
(link)
hey, the group is back. they're trying to convince the cops there's a doppeldeaner (and not a deanelganger)!
britta "look! i hate cops!"
i like this cop.
"unfortunately love is not admissable evidence."
ha, he sings it into his phone. he's working on a cop opera
"COPERA!"
"POLISICAL!"
he tells them to stay away from greendale and thanks them for the..hot water.
9:01 - we're back at greendale the prison... or that's what it looks like. plans for a "CHANGSTRAVAGANZA" are being made. he rings for the "deanelchanger." heh. deanelchanger has to fire the custodial staff.
9:03 - "they're like telephones for your eyes" troy and britta are cute.
troy, britta and annie are doing some reconaissance.
9:03 - troy is meeting with dan bakkedahl. to find out what the air conditioning school knows.
turns out a lot!
for instance, all of chang's defence systems, and where the real dean is.
holy wow. basically everything is on tight lock down!
"sorry it was very clear in my head" heh, the montage wasn't part of the story.
9:05 - "not a lot of people get a second chance, just you... and probably obama."
troy owes them for the information now. he owes them his registration at their school.
they'll help with the heist too. but troy will have to move, and give up the group...and the word sensational for some reason?
pierce thinks he'd make a good swami. he's off to get his turban.
"don't be melodramatic, troy. we just have to plan an elaborate heist."
COMMERCIAL
9:09 - they're back, and spoofing a movie that might be one of those oceans movies.
"listen gang, keep an extra tight look out for the greendale seven. i won't have them ruining my 25th birthday" - chang.
9:10 - jeff breaks down their insanely elaborate heist. it's cool. and heisty.
shirley is a chef and makes a toilet jam
troy and abed are plumbers, and look like bob hoskins and john leguizamo!
(link)
britta's on facebook with the head guard, and jeff is cancels the magician and annie infilitrated the army.
jeff is RICKY NIGHTSHADE and britta is his hot assistant. jeff looks pretty good too.
(link)
9:12 - britta, who is harley quinned out, gets the key during the magic show! troy gets a misc. chang 'misc. chang puns' folder, and the code.
9:13 - pierce shows up and fucks up the whole show...he calls down to see if the dean is still there.
but "the pixie has left the toadstool"
9:14 - apparently the plan failing was part of the plan. it's all part of the plan apparently.
9:16 - troy and abed have detained the fake chang, and the rest of the gang has freed the dean.
9:16 - oh, now chang and his crew is here, sarcastic clapping. the gang is captured.
"shirley, when did you get here" - pierce
9:20 - oh no, chang is revealing his awesome evil plan! apparently a keytar solo will trigger a fireworks explosion destroying all permanent records!
"chang you're crazy! you still do keytar" - troy
"fire doesn't go through doors, it's not a ghost!" - chang
"i suppose this is a long shot, but none of you paid my rent, did you?"
9:21 - people are really grooooving to chang's solo. the gang has busted out though, via troy's awesome A/C skills. or he nodded at the AC guy on camera.
"chang has started his solo, i think that gives us about 9 minutes." - abed
apparently the dean has been renting the place out for raves on the weekends (called acade-mania!) "mostly hard house, a little dubstep" but he drops the lights, and blacklights come on. things get all batman forever, but troy and abed get to and deactivate the bomb.
9:23 - ooooh, lightsabre fight!
but it's broken up by school board guys. the story is broken to them slowly, over parts.
but then this happens.
"what happened to us?"
"well i have a drinking problem."
"we're gonna get fired."
"nobody can sit on something this big."
"I CAN SIT ON IT!" - Dean, who goes Tobias on this shit.
Jeff touches Dean's shoulder and he collapses.
9:25 - now it's time for troy's sad departure.
he tells shirely to never change.
pierce tells him to never wear a rubber.
jeff tells him to never listen to pierce.
he tells annie to let him know what kind of dock is at the end of the pier in the jigsaw puzzle.
britta gives him some hair.
he whispers something to abed.
troy!
no!
troooy!
sorry, we're broken up here.
annie wants to know what he said.
"he said i know you hate it when people do this in movies." abed. then, "i'm sorry i got emotional," and he's off to hide in the pillow fort.
there's a last scene with the dean, who welcomes him
9:29 - crazy! end credits scene is dean trying to convince people to come to school in the morning.
9:30 - aaaaand there's no break between episodes, so we missed a buttload to type up here! *sad trombone*
9:30 - oh, the dean is a sexy construction worker because he's "build-dean to big news!" which is that subway is in a disagreement with greendale, and the dean has offered the space to shirley's sandwiches in the interim! yay!
9:31 - now britta is going to give abed his first therapy session! her shirt is see-thru and i am...distracted.
9:32 - EVIL ABED! NEVERMIND, I'M BACK!
9:32 - this show is so amazingly quick and funny, liveblogging it is kind of a joke. but that's good, right? it's what the people want?
shit, we hope so.
9:32 - troy is really unhappy in a/c school - john goodman has emerged to tell him to come with him, so he can indoctrinate troy into the annals of a/c.
he misses abed so much! he just said so!
9:33 - "you are the true repairman, troy. you fix not only air-conditioners, but the men who fix them.
it's a trade school! it's a two-year degree in boxes that make stuff cold." said with so much contempt! i love this. it's so star wars...he's obviously meant to save goodman.
9:34 - wow, abed and evil abed are throwing it down - and it seems evil abed will be the one to meet with britta for therapy! so dangerous! i can't wait!
9:35 - now shirley is asking jeff to back her up trying to cut pierce out of the business. i love shirley, and to a lesser degree pierce, but i don't want this storyline right now.
9:35 - "my biology final is at 5. i'm available from 3-4. i'll see you in court."
9:35 - OH MY god. OH MY GOD
evil abed invited britta into the dreamatorium. he has his robocop pov, timeline darkness 2%.
(link)
9:36 - hahaha jeff doesn't think pierce can outthink him, and pierce grabbed rob corddry, the lawyer who got jeff disbarred in one of season 2's best episodes!
-commercials-
9:39 - "pierce just hired the one man i've spent the last nine months imagining stabbing in the-"
"sundance!"
"tango!"
9:39 - i like their dynamic a lot, even though i'm sure they'll end up hilariously fighting each other soon.
hahahahah
"judging amy or judge judy?"
9:40 - oh man. britta is terrified of him. oh no! he told her he's from the "britta of timelines" and he was sent by "lame abed." sent there because evil abed is better capable of dealing with fear! he's entered the dark timeline, and he plans to make it darker.
"tell me about your parents, britta."
"um...no?"
hahaha she's totally going to do it
poor britta
9:41 - troy was just released from a/c school for asking too many questions about the vice-dean's death! conspiracies are afoot...
9:41 - rob corddry is being a douchenozzle, saying shirley doesn't love her baby because she wasn't sure who the father was.
9:42 - what was he wearing?
he was dressed as a dinosaur!
9:42 - abed is ignoring evil abed;
"i'm not crazy, so i'm not talking to you. i'm reading the novelization of the chronicles of riddick?" abed
"can you honestly say that's a saner decision?" evil abed
this all leads to evil abed eventually becoming the one who britta will provide therapy for.
(link)
oh my god! the timeline is 10% darker now! he is destroying britta by calling her average, inescapably so."you're the centre slice of a square cheese pizza. wait, that sounds delicious. i'm the centre slice of a square cheese pizza. you're jim belushi."
AHAHAHAHAH
9:42 - troy senses the dean somehow! or evil? i don't know. something!
9:42 - (evil) abed is going after jeff now. "i don't suppose lame abed owns a bonesaw."
9:43 - jeff makes a key play by allowing pierce to tell horrible offensive jokes.
9:44 - 13% darkness!!!
9:44 - "i am the truest repairman!"
he's going to challenge bakkedahl in the sun chamber! so much is happening at once!
the sun chamber, it's going down, and we're gonna have a victor - maybe closure!
9:45 - "miss daisy's in the house, thanks for the ride, sorry about slavery."
BAHBHAHAHA
oh man
wait, drew carey's dead? and somehow rob corddry is blackmailing jeff with this case! if jeff wins, he can't work at his former firm - or anywhere else! SOMEHOW!!
9:46 - and the dean just busted in, dressed as "blind justice," which led to him slamming into the table and hitting his fresh tattoo! i want to see pics!
-commercial-
9:50 - apparently we need popsicles, because it's going to get scalding hot in the sun chamber! as dennis, who was apparently on crack, has been shrieking!
but he is wrong about one thing - there are rules.
each man is sealed in a unit with a broken machine. the heat increases until one man wins or one man dies.
9:51 - abed is trying to stop evil abed! but will it work?
oh my god
that was hilarious! very idle hands.
look at me, i'm leatherface! (link)
9:51 - aww, shirley. she wasn't guilting anyone there - just saying a sincere wish for her friend.
9:51 - 95 degrees! troy begins only now! and he fixed it immediately. oh troy! you are amazing.
9:52 - aww, jeff! you're spinning the selfishness into something lovely! and for once, i don't want to punch you in the face.
9:52 - haha, buddy admits to killing the dean!
9:53 - "helping only ourselves is bad, helping each other is good!"
but you know, i've learned something today.
9:53 - the a/c folks were all going to let buddy die! but instead, troy is inspired by a mitochlorianesque hologram of the late john goodman to fix the second machine.
(link)
rob corddry reveals he fucked jeff over and got him disbarred.
jeff: "i know. and i never got a chance to thank you."
corddry: "this place has made you so gay!"
pierce: "hey! don't use gay as a derogatory term! boo yah, good person."
that was...ridiculously gratifying, actually.
troy, in response to the a/c folks convoluted, mythology-adhering plan for their traitor: "no! take him to the police! he murdered someone! take him to jail. you guys are weird."
haha, troy cuts in to a hug with abed and britta obviously for britta's sake. and acknowledges he can basically run shit now, because he's "[the a/c school's] messiah."
9:56 - oh my god, the next season will be incredible! britta being abed's therapist! the return of the city college dean! chang on his side! jeff looking for his bio dad! shirley's sandwiches is opening! abed and troy are getting separate bedrooms - so troy and britta can bone, i hope! - and the dreamatorium is painted over! luckily abed has created a miniature cardboard one in the blanket fort he now inhabits solo.
I CAN'T WAIT!
why is the next season truncated? there's surely not enough time for all of this hilarity to be realized!
9:59 - "that one tasted like a duck."
i looooove leonard's food reviews. why isn't his youtube channel real? come on, dan harmon! get on that shit!
and what - canadian feed cuts off the end of the finale episode? weak, tv! fucking weak!
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