2012 Oscars Liveblog! (and last night's episode of 'the walking dead')

this is our first attempt at live-blogging.  aligning it with the oscars seemed appropriate.  i mean, live blog, live awards ceremony...yeah.
is everyone excited?
no?
is there anyone here?
...i don't know what's going on.
so come on and join us!  drink at arbitrary and pre-defined moments (in this case, "pre" can mean up to 0.3 seconds prior to the "drink!" prompt)!

shirley bennet came prepared.  shouldn't you?

share your love of dresses, glamour, and film, all while shedding disdain on the institutions and systems that restrict the very media they seek to elevate!
oh, and in light of that last point, there is a significant chance we will be switching off the oscars to watch and comment on tonight's new episodes of less than kind and (possibly) the walking dead...considering we haven't seen the bulk of this year's nominees, and the academy itself is pretty bullshit. 
anyway!  let luke and leia get you started, then follow us down the jump-hole (eew)!

6.00pm - starting off our two-person viewing party with ctv's red carpet coverage. parrrty! but ugh, ben mulroney...canadian nepotism at its "finest."

6:02pm - leah miller, your face looks like a mask!  is it...terribly bright on the red carpet?

6:02pm - milla jovovich!  her lipstick is exquisite (as is her eye makeup and blush).  at least she managed to shake off danny lohner for the night!
6:02pm - and what a lovely way to bring dimension to a white dress.  she looks great.

6:03pm - is old hollywood ever going away?   not that i'm complaining.
6:03pm - this guy is right, she is soooo reminiscent of mia farrow!  michelle williams, you are so lovely...be our girlfriend!  *drink*

6:04pm - haha i love how "very beautiful" = "very blonde."
6:04pm - lolwut, they are talking a LOT about dawson's creek.  how embarrassing.  *drink*

6:05pm - wendi mclendon-covey, your dress is so beautiful!  she has such a fun, sexy-girlie-toughness going on.
6:05pm - haha for men and for women!  don't worry, men, brian mulroney is looking out for you!  *drink*

6:05pm - NO SHOE CAM?!  WTF!!!

6:06pm - rose byrne looks...jaundiced?  what an unusual effect for a black dress.  i hope she's okay.

6:07pm - i...did not realize nick nolte was this old.

6:08pm - bret mckenzie!  yay!  we didn't see the new muppets movie, but i hope he wins for best song anyway.  but just in case:

*drink*

6:12pm - first commercial break is over!  joe zee seems to have some good insights into fashion.  haha wait - no he doesn't!  he has a bunch of commentary on melissa mccarthy's fatness, just like everyone else.  *drink*

6:13pm - we love melissa, but we are way divided on the dress - i like the sleeves and the colour, but i hate the draping on the bust.  however, the fabric falls beautifully below the gathered waist.

6:14pm - she's launching her own plus-size line?  how awesome!

6:14pm - qui-est-ce?  oh, from the artist!  we should probably watch that at some point.  her elie saab dress is quite gorgeous.

6:15pm - in the background - a crazy train! 

6:16pm - xtopher plummer is quite dapper tonight.  and lovely to hear such a seasoned actor discuss his craft and career opportunities/limitations.

6:17pm - haha!  everyone is so creeptacular about rooney mara!  i'd love to say something consoling, but i'm sure it would be even more lecherous than anything i've heard thus far.

6:18pm - is that arrested development's kitty in that black and silver dress?  she looks fantastic!  hopefully she gives us a final chance to see these.

6:21pm - wow, time moves fast. *drink*

6:23pm - oh, stacey keibler...how did those elves ever produce a daughter so tall?  her legs are exquisite!  thank you, ctv, for this stacey keibler fashion retrospective.  that black lace dress is so form-fitting and sexy.

6:25 - boo, the help!  but jessica chastain looks stunning - that mcqueen dress is absolutely resplendent.  one of my favourites by far at this point. (you know it's pm at this point, no more reminders!) 

6:26 - stacey keibler looks like she could crown viserys targaryen.  rrow!  *drink*

 (link)

6:27 - emma stone, you can kick michelle williams out of our bed if you like!  *drink* but we`d definitely prefer that you join us instead.

6:28 - matthew lillard!  eek!  our high school selves are geeking out right now, haha!

(link)

*drink*

6:31 - as commercials kick in,we wonder how billy crystal will ever be  able to continue the momentum from this onslaught of excitement.  is there any hope for him to revive this "mostly-dead" franchise?

(link)

6:34 - stacey keibler + marchesa = makes mcguirk happy.  gold and statuesque indeed; george clooney had a point when describing his beard girlfriend.

6:37 - viola davis is wearing her hair natural?  that's amazing!!!  please do not give lip serviece to this, mr. zee!  she is paying respect to more than just her heritage, she is paying respect to her reality and her present!

6:38 - young actress from the descendants talking about laundry in a very neat white dress!  that's a *drink*.

6:39 - leslie mann - or someone who looks a lot like her - looks incredible and lovely in a fitted, navy blue, glittering number. and the earrings are to die for.

6:40 - is it just us, or are there more black people than usual at the oscars?  celebratory *drink!*

6:43 - dear smash,
you are a waste of angelica huston.
sincerely,
...pretty much a movie!

6:44 - oh my cod, viola davis looks jaw-droppingly gorgeous.  also, ben - stfu about the hair if you can't stop sounding to exoticizing!
aww, viola...no one can disparage you your choice in taking this role.

6:45 - LOLOLOL colour barrier?  oh, bennie.  this is pathetic.  "i'm just so happy for you!  happy for the movie!  i'm a good whitey, and racism is o-ver!"

645 - WHAT MICHELLE WILLIAMS HOW IS THAT DRESS SO WONDERFUL
how do you do it?
she's always had this gorgeous sense of mystery woven within a deceptively simple beauty, and it is really exemplified tonight.

6:46 - while pastels make me gag, octavia spencer is lovely in lavender.  a very sweet look, and a great fit.

6:47 - judd apatow, i wish you would shut up and let leslie mann talk.  she's so funny and badass and pretty!  she can say more than just who she's wearing.

6:48 - i'm not gonna lie, i'm dying over these white dresses - and rooney mara's blows milla jovovich's right out of the water.  she looks like an electrifying dream.  it is so fluid and structured and detailed and take a nice big *drink*.

6:51 - ...okay so i looked at milla's dress again, and she is stunning.  but we still agree that rooney mara's ensemble is the winner here - unless they're willing to engage in some sort of tie-breaker?  *hopeful drink?*

6:53 - "my name is joe zee / the zee stands for zuul"

 (link)

6:53 - michelle!!  luis vuitton, eh?  don't ask her questions about how to say goodbye; that's bullshit.  but i love the idea of michelle williams and phillip seymour hoffman talking shop!

6:54 - omc michelle williams and busy phillips are best friends (and probably not more)?  that's so ridiculously great!

6:55 - rooney mara!  i'm really impressed by her visual transformation - ohhh of course it's givenchy.  who else makes such exquisite white dresses of late?  i can't get enough of this shit.  eventually i will watch this movie!  we've obviously heard a great deal of the score, of course.

6:57 - wow, glenn close is looking androgynous!  </sarcasm>.  that forest green is quite compelling.

6:57 - meryl streep once wore a project runway contestant's design to a red carpet?  how fucking cool can she be?  that is definitely a *drink*

6:58 - "hey, anyone ever think you're a dude?  haha, yeah? okay, carry on!"

6:59 - "my fave moment is making george clooney laugh!  wankwankwank"

bye, ctv!  we're switching over to abc.

7:00 - i don't know who these people are!  robin roberts?

7:01 - the audio on this feed sounds like crap.  *drink*
7:01 - louise roe has a neat dress, and a neat accent!  also, america gets waaay better camera access than canada.

7:02 - ooh, behind the scenes!

7:03 - yay, tim gunn!  how we've missed you on project runway all-stars!  hey, and nina!  that's...also cool!

7:03 - if the oscars red carpet is "the runway of legend," why don't people actually take risks anymore?  and consequently, why are they punished for doing so?  i want to see some daring, people!

7:04 - wow, i love the embellishments on octavia's dress.  it reminds me of a sari - maybe the draping as well, but the overall effect is very rich (i guess the lavender one i saw earlier was a flashback to a previous awards ceremony).

7:05 - octavia and robin match!  women of colour, represent!

7:06 - aww, jonah hill's there with his mom!  that's really sweet.
7:06 - "as an english gal, i really know zip about baseball"
haha, rock on, louise!  *drink*

7:07 - maya!!!  and what  a lovely plum...the embellished cap sleeves are like a cross between an epaulette and a capelette.  haha, keeping the shapewear industry in business!  this is so wonderful.  she's a fucking treasure.
7:07 - let's all *drink* for bridesmaids!


7:08 - the oscars are a commercial for movies and fashion, which takes commercial breaks for cars and vacations.

7:11 - rooney mara is back. noice.. football? we say 'meh'

7:12 - whoa, jessica chastain is the new samuel l. jackson (re: prolific output)

7:14 - oh, the collaboration between stars and designers is a cool thing to explore!  let's see how disconnected each side is from the other.
haha!  apparently answer is generally: very much so.

7:15 - i agree with the designers of rodarte!  avant-garde and fucked up fashions are the way to go!  else we're just getting drunk and bored.

7:16 - milla, you are so beautiful.  how is this your first time at the oscars?  i love hearing her inspiration behind her choice of look...and the look is, of course, spectacular.  she should probably come back and talk some more.

7:17 - this feed has a lot of commercials, eh?

7:19 - i don't want my breakfast cereal to taste like tarantino movies!  wtf, mini wheats?  although, those do sound good.

7:19 - a prince and the head of disney being interviewed together?  guys, you might be trying too hard.

 

7:20 - emma stone!!!

we'll just ignore any talk about the help so we can geek out over the impending spider-man.  eee!

7:23 - uh, yeah, you can "tell [octavia spencer's] dress is custom" because designers on the whole tend to be pretty fucking adamant about designing for dress forms.  way to feign obliviousness, tim gunn.

7:28 - wow, viola and julian davis are a really beautiful couple.  vera wang!  can no one in the mainstream media pronounce 'wang?'

7:29 - "what happens after the oscars...!" haha amazing

7:30 - that necklace too, such a great choice.  michelle williams.  if only we could see her shoes!

7:30 - haha, louise pointing out that, in spite of his role in the movie, the beginners, xtopher plummer is indeed, far from a beginner!  how does a commentator manage not to choke on this volume of fluff? 

7:32 - WHAT THIS IS SO SWEET WHY IS THIS HAPPENING

7:33 - IS THAT GEORGE CLOONEY'S MOM?  WHY IS HE TEN YEARS OLDER THAN HER?  WHAT IS HAPPENING

7:33 - pretty sure we'd have sex with george clooney's mom.  nora clooney?  shit, we missed it.

7:35 - aww, melissa mccarthy and her mom!  let them cry, they've certainly earned it!

7:39 - yay, wiig/mumulo!  ladycomics/writers!  and wiig's dress is actually quite dreamy and pretty.  i like the colour story they make together.
7:39 - are people sincere about being excited for billy crystal?  i mean, whatever.  chacun son gout.
7:40 - also, her nail polish was dark and interesting!

7:40 - wow, tina fey!  you've made it now - you're PRETTY!  haha, oh dear.  such limited narratives for success.
also, much love for peplum.  i'm fucking into it.

7:42 - the bust on this woman's dress (is the colin firth's wife?  if so, good on her) is very strange...i kind of like it, but it's pretty weird.
7:42 - louise is having fun with it!  let's drink with her, in spirit!  *drink*

7:43 - "oh man!  woody allen really speaks to me."  hahahah

7:44 - ...why did we just watch that short?

7:46 - american faces and cinnamon rolls - los angeles sounds like quite the evening.

7:47 - our favourite tina fey moments have more to do with her comedy!  but, agree to disagree, nina garcia.

7:51 - feel like i've seen her wear that dress before.
7:51 - jlo!  y u no age?

7:52 - haha, oh dear!  he really can't understand a word of what she's saying!
7:53 - "i hope it predicts oscars."
"heh?"
"i hope it predicts oscars!"
"oh!  oh no!  it doesn't do that."

 ahahaha dying
*drinkdrink* 

7:54 - zack galifinakis should play ron swanson's brother.  and he's making some good points about comedy/the role of the comedian in relation to mainstream society/media!

7;55 - penelope cruz, you are a goddess.  i can't even.  sentences are.  she's amazing. how can this be.

7:56 - how come oscar has a cane and no clothing?

8:00 - half an hour until less than kind!  i mean, the oscars.
8:00 - cameron diaz is golden and weighed down in gucci.  she's working it like the little mermaid - suffering to be beautiful.

8:01 - jason segal is hiiiiiiigh
or just mega awkward...ly high.

8:03 - bradley cooper, we're so glad you're not the crow anymore.
8:03 - bradley cooper is not very good at doing xopher walken tonight!  poor guy.  they're going to revoke your sexyman title.
ugh, hangover.
haha, limitless!

8:04 - goopy's dress is clean, and well-designed.  i wish she'd go away.
8:04 - stop name-dropping!  you're already famous.  just shut up.
8:04 - did they just seriously just both confirm that british people call "stairs" "apples and pears?"
are you fucking kidding me?

8:11 - why does george clooney seem like he is reprising his 1995 role as bruce wayne?

8:12 - brad pitt, we approve.

8:12 - oh look, it's sandra boring bullock!  nice nail polish.

8:14 - admittedly, i've got a buzz on.  but did sandra bullock just intimate she and tom hanks got to fucking?

8:15 - angelina jolie.  we prostrate before thee.

8:16 - ellie kemper. rust-coloured sequins. engage.

8:17 -  who are we rooting for? essentially people who aren't essentialist pricks advancing the military-industrial complex... what? ooh. okay, people in good movies then?

8:20 - please be seated!

8:20 - natalie portman gets a thumbs up. looking smaller and longer in the hair. fascinating. red is the new red this year.

8:21 - someone's a mom now! 'i like that billy crystal won't be mean...'

8:21 - tom hanks? eff that!  where's jack nicholson? does he not do these any  more? tom hanks seems phlegemy. clear that throat. multiple mics phasing. eww *drink*

8:23 - shots of tequila in brian grazer's trailer? stay away, louise!!

8:24 - SPOILERALERT: hollywood - they tell you what's about to happen.even at their award shows.

8:25 - tech crew! *drink*

8:26 - chris rock is here, everbody! more natural hair. *drink* givin the eyes to robin. haha fubu!  

8:26 - whoa shiiishii, it's time to have actual oscars? i bet there's a musical number.

*apparently, at this point in time, an executive decision has been made, and the viewing of less than kind well be postponed until 10:30, as to not interfere with ...pretty much a movie's coverage of the interminable fun that is the opening of the 84th annual academy awards*

8:30 - ugh, change channels again... hey, morgan freeman. what's up? oh, the 84th annual academy awards? okay then.

8:31 - oookay, so a spoof of the descendants. didn't see that one. oops. oh, and now moneyball, right? i think i got this.  midnight in paris,  i saw that one. beiber though, well shit.hmm, did billy crystal play sammy davis jr.?   in fucking facepaint?  boo!  blackface is racism.

8:33 - the help now. we haven't even seen these movies, people!

8:34 - tom cruise, mission impossible? is this really the 84th, annual?

8:35 - these poor celebrities, sitting through this crap as though it's an enjoyable and believable preamble to the recognition of the art they've created? fuuu, billy crystal. booo

8:36 - ladies and gentleman, not james-franco

8:37 - ninth time hosting the oscars? whaa? is there even a point to that?

8:37 - billy crystal said text. yeehee... he also made fun of james earl jones. now he's 'singing'... why are we watching this again?

8:38 - unrelated: is there a lot of coke there or just a lot?

8:40 - who is entertained by this? like, really? are we emjoying this? please, stop singing, billy. 

*editor's note: the executive decision to not switch to less than kind was a poor one, and we will certainly be departing for what will surely be a subpar episode of the walking dead*

8:42 - tom hanks, and carl the seat filler, hellz. yeah. we guess. okay that was actually sweet.

8:43 - cinematoraphy! hugo! an oscar!! 

8:46 - art direction! hugo! an oscar!!

(this is easy)

8:46 - cool thing, this pharrel et al performance. nice look from meryl streep, as per usual. wore gold last time she won an oscar... hey?

8:48 - 12 minutes 'til the walking dead. *drink*

8:50 - we're back! making fun of kodak! old company jokes! bed bugs. bad, bad jokes. lots of famous people in the front row, eh? 

8:51 - they've begun a montage for some reason.
'remember when movies were good, carl?'
'yup, that was fun, mike'

8:53 - baam. hot latina ladies.

8:55 - costume design. saw the jane eyre  ones in person, it would be nice if they won.

8:56 - nothing we like wins.
          costume design! the artist! an oscar dude's from niagara falls? niagara falls, ontario? premptive canada *drink*!

8:57 - achievement in makeup!!
 (whats with this 'achievement in' business?)


8:58 - thank you, ladies! you're hilarious, and hot, and cute.
          achievement in makeup! the iron lady! an oscar.

8:59 - ben stiller tackles mystery. greenberg sobs. morgan freeman is old. so is adam sandler. lots of others are here too. it's time for the walking dead, but we're suckers for artists explaining why they love their art.
brad pitt is high, right? okay.

9:01 - switching to the walking dead. oscars forced to commercial news... late tuning in! shane trapped in school bus with walkers! nooo! well, actually, it's shane. who cares?

9:02 - empty. ugh, writing takes us backwards now! creative! someone's taken online courses.

9:03 - rick, what's the plan here, bro? uh-oh. talking.

9:04 - this is intense. these guys are ripped. walkers get you jacked, bro

9:05 - "lori says you're dangerous". yeah, rick. blame it on her - good job dude.doing his wife means breaking his jaw, but being dangerous and threatening her? that's a talkin' to.

9:06 - rick with the ultimatum. heavy-handed cinematography. rick throwing it down in an intersection, decisions to make. which way will you go, shane?

9:07 - down memory lane.

9:08 - oooh, right. the old 'guy in the trunk' routine. classic teevee writing.

9:09 - gender dynamics on the walking dead loads of fun.

9:10 - 'lord of the rangs on tape' walker in the field. troubles!

9:12 - it seems like shane disagrees with something rick is doing.

9:13 - this just seems gratuitous, rick.  but we do love us some gore!

9:15 - those bodies are thoroughly burnt.  good focus, potentially dead humans!

*commercials!  flip back to oscars, which are also on commercial break!*

9:18 - what moment for octavia?  what happened?
...billy crystal's attempt at edgy race-humour comes out pretty grandpa-esque.  uh, there there.

9:18 - also not bucking the grandpa theme - starting off stories with "back in 1939..."

9:19 - eugene levy...i'm confused by your parallel moustache/eyebrows.  we're going back to the walking dead.

9:20 - it must be difficult for lori to convince someone else that life is worth living in the zombie-world.  but i guess she's getting a lot of practice at being consoling, because all women seem to do on this show is cook, do laundry, engage in spurts of  irrational "agency," and talk about feelings.  ugh.  at least andrea's finally starting to shoot.
- knife reveal is fairly effective.

9:22 - where did the walkman come from?

9:23 - he went to school with maggie?  uh-oh, look out, glenn! drrrama!

923 - OMC shane in profile is a fucking koopa troopa!!

lori, it's not rape because I LOVE YOU

9:24 - shane's gun went off!!  gah, hate the character, but the actor is doing some really nice work.

9:25 - well that escalated quickly.


9:25 - sound editing!  hugo!  an oscar!

9:27 - sound mixing!  hugo!  an oscar!

9:30 - very nice on shane losing it!  aaaaaand now they're fucked.  walkers eeeverywhere.

9:32 - eyebrows are very well-manicured for the apocalypes.
9:32 - hey maggie, suicide is kind of a choice maybe?

9:33 - everyone's knives are sharp enough to go through a skull and brains on every stab, every time.
9:33 - hey, andrea's still on the show!  and andrea respects choice, regardless of how shitty her choices may be on this show.

9:34 - lori might be getting a little defensive because of how definitively she was denied any choice around whether or not she should have to remain pregnant.
9:34 - the men can take care of things?  andrea should be in the kitchen with you?  oh, lori.  this is so sad.

9:36 - back to the oscars - this interpretive dance is awesome!  take at least two *drinks*

9:38 - omc when is two-face going to show up?  "tell me doctor, do you like the circus?"

9:39 - the question "what does age matter?  especially in this industry?" is unassailably creepy.  sorry, billy crystal.   

9:40 - robert downey jr.!  queer men represent!
9:40 - too much feedback this entire night.  industry standards: unimpressive.
9:40 - when it comes to goopy vs. zombies, zombies win every time.

9:41 - GRIMY FOR THE WINNNN

9:43 - where has this character been?  this is a really interesting development.

9:44 - and we've caught up!  back at the beginning (sinking, swimming).

9:45 - is he seriously going to stab them each in the head, one by one?  is that his plan?
9:45 - oh, writers...it's so hard to trust you with andrea anything.

9:47 - rick, you probably need to see this through.  kill him or let him be killed, but don't just disappear.
9:47 - GODAMMIT RICK

9:48 - can none of you break the door?  jeez louise!
9:48 - aww, she's sorry.  these women learn fast - making choices is painful, and is therefore to be avoided.  and surely the men will come back soon!

9:51 - more melissa mccarthy!  more, i say!  oh wait, the walking dead is back.

9:53 - rick, you fucking cowboy, you!  let the shane/fic roll!  probably should have killed him though.

9:54 - andrea's absolutely right!  she is so badass.  i guess that's why she gets about nine minutes of screen time per episode.

9:56 - it's pretty hilarious how rick can be fairly certain that this dude is no good, but continue throwing shane his bone.  a bone.  i..wait.  what?  *drink*
9:56 - rick: my family!  mine!  miiiiine!
shane:  okay, uh, for now?
rick:  good enough.

9:58 - ooh, best supporting actor?  the beginners!  an oscar!  and a record for xopher plummer as the oldest actor to win his first oscar (82 years old!  that's only two years younger than the oscars!).

10:08 - billy crystal tries very hard not to make a sex joke about brad and angelina.
10:08 - oh yeah, i forgot about march of the penguins!  let's get some of those guys out here; i bet they'd make excellent hosts.

10:09 - well...that kind of petered out.  billy crystal is relevant!

10:10 - bradley cooper's face sums up my interest in this circle-jerk.  hint: my interest is nonexistent.

10:11 - a musical?

10:12 - yay, penelope cruz!  she is a dream.
10:12 - best original score!  the artist!  an oscar!

10:15 - how long are these things?!

10:16 - synchronous cymbal comedy!
10:16 - "zaj galiflikinajis" haha!  what a funny dude.

10:17 - go bret!  you can do it!
10:18 - yaaaaaaay
10:18 - original song!  the muppet movie!  an oscar!

10:19 - "just a few jokes, okay!" awww so awkward and real and cute!
10:19 - old school ushers?  sign us up!

10:22 - edited to add - chris rock's introduction to best animation?  likely one of the best moments of the night.  we laughed more in that segment than in the rest of the show combined.  way to skewer the bullshit while making yourself so memorable!

10:24 - heartstopping length of leg
oh, angelina
we have no words, or far too many.  just work.  haters gonna hate.
10:25 - jim rash!  you can do it!

(link)

10:27 - yaaay!  best adapted screenplay.  the descendants!  an oscar!

10:29 - oh wow, intense competition for original screenplay!

10:30 - best original screenplay: midnight in paris! an oscar!

actually, we really liked this movie.  and the screenplay was excellent.  sorry to kristen wiig and annie mumulo!

aaaand now it's time for less than kind!  fuck you, oscars! 

Read More

Bull Neck

Read More

My interview with Christopher Owens

In the fall of 2011, I visited Christopher Owens, the songwriter of the band, Girls, at his home in San Francisco. I'd played a show in town the previous night and in the morning, I woke, walked to Owens’ apartment near Golden Gate Park's panhandle, and met him in his garage, where he was washing the dirty laundry he'd accreted on Girls’ recent U.S. tour. Upstairs, he brewed us coffee and we spoke for several hours among his home library, stamp collection, and indoor plant garden, which, despite the neighborhood’s foggy microclimate, seemed to be in full flourish.

(This is my second interview with Owens. (The first was published by New York magazine.) Read an edited version of the below transcript at Bullett with photos of the band's recent Terminal 5 show by Sandy Kim.)

I. On Twitter and Persona

RS: As an artist, you have an outward persona. Your songs are personal, you appear in the press, and most artists these days use some form of social media. You also have a twitter account. How has this experience gone for you so far?

CO: It can get weird. Every once in a while you can see that someone or everybody, in general, has the completely wrong perception of you. And for me, my whole thing is just to be honest, and the idea is to have my outward persona be as true to real life. So it's frustrating when I feel I have to set the record straight. I've had a lot of frustrations with that. Maybe it wouldn't be such a big deal if somebody had a fabricated personality. They could say, okay, that's people's perception, now, how did I put that into this persona I'm building up? But when your goal is to present your actual self, then you realize that something's wrong. You want to set the record straight. But it's too difficult to control any of it. Things get away from you and before you know it, people have a perception they believe in. And they believe it so much. This is not just for me but for anybody. So when you have a platform to explain - you know, that's not how I really am - people, in their minds don't listen to you. They assume that you're trying to cover something up. They believe the thing they originally bought over your actual voice.

RS: Once you learn something, it's very difficult to replace that knowledge. Learning is easier than unlearning.

CO: That's just one thing I deal with.

RS: And trying to make people unlearn something is probably not wise, anyway.

CO: Right. People don't believe you anyway, and you're viewed as a backtracking person. So you figure out the best thing to do is to ignore those things. Instead of making your agenda to be frustrated with everyone, just carry on and, at some time, make a different point, which while hopefully cancel out the other point, the wrong idea. Getting on a platform and saying, "People don't have the right idea, blah blah blah" wouldn't be effective.

RS: And that perception of you can change, as well.

CO: People have short memory spans. Within five years, I'll manage to present a proper image and that wrong stuff will float away. But people like to think certain things. The things I don't like are the things people are excited to believe are true.

RS: Like what?

CO: Just my general image. The things I do.

RS: Is it more personality based? Like how you are? Or is it the factual things?

CO: The way I am. Factual things are vague at this point.

RS: Do you read much press about you?

CO: Yeah. It's sent to me. I'm a partner in my label, Turnstile. It's our management and label. And everything is done through email. So there are always these links. I'm always getting links. I've wondered if I should stop reading them, but I think I need to know what's going on, at this point. If something's wrong, I should change it. It's like the apple in the Garden of Eden. Even if you don't believe in God, that story is such a good joke. The joke's on you. God knew they'd eat that fruit. The computer's right there. How could you not look? Some big stars are all, " I don't read reviews." Well, great. That's because you don't have to. You take a vacation. Someone drives you to a movie set. Then you go record an album. Play a string of shows. You have 100 people working for you. You're above the common man's view of you, I guess.

RS: But didn't you just say that ignoring the press is the best approach...

CO: Yeah, but I don't want to be in the dark. Sometimes I do need to know that I should show people another side of myself. Show by example.

RS: It's a hard balance.

CO: Most of the press is very positive. So it's nice to know it's working. But this way of gauging your entire success from the computer - it used to be an entirely different thing. Print press. Radio play. Fan clubs. In the '70s, Freddie Mercury didn't sit on a computer and judge the entire pulse of his fandom. He probably got spreadsheets on radio play. Live shows were probably a little more special. You couldn't watch a video the next day. If you heard it was awesome, it was awesome. Now, from one show you could have two blog posts that are completely different - different pictures, different opinions. You choose what you what to believe. They curate these pictures and opinions. These are the things that will live on.

RS: The internet as an archive is so different than previous archives of press. Who knows how long it'll be around…

CO: Very different. A band like Nirvana, if you were to watch their rise on the internet… It's very easy to watch a youtube clip of a show and think, "That was fine." But back then, there was not that way of knowing. People said, "That was the greatest show I've ever seen" and in your mind, you think, "I have to see this."

RS: How does twitter connect with all of this?

CO: We're all losing our privacy. I chose to use twitter because I wanted to talk to specific people and specific friends. Most singers of bands use their bands names on twitter. I don't. I never discuss anything about my band on twitter, except maybe a few times. But very quickly fans started to find my twitter. I wasn't going to block it. I don't think I should be allowed to use twitter unless I'm willing to let people to look at it - that is, if they're on twitter. If they're not on Twitter, I find it kind of offensive when they read it and want to weigh in on it. The things I say on twitter are responses to reading Twitter all day. To look at Twitter out of context is unfair. But yeah, you start to think how you want to portray yourself - that's true - and I made an early decision never to be negative and to never to talk about the band, to never respond to questions about the band. I get about 100 @'s a day about the band, but I don't respond.

RS: Why are you so set on keeping the band and yourself separate?

CO: I don't want it to be about the band. It's about me and talking to my friends. It's obnoxious for my friends who do know me, if my feed is boasting or setting records straight or talking about details of songs. The whole point for me is to stay in touch with friends. But now, when Father, Son, Holy Ghost became more successful than the first record, then there were certain people who have taken my twitter and quoted it on blog. To me, that's inaccurate and annoying. I may leave twitter if it continues.

RS: This way you're talking is interesting. This idea of separation. Because, take someone like Joni Mitchell. She is very present in her songs. You feel like you know her when you hear them. And you, too, are very present in Girls songs. And you openly discuss yourself in band-related interviews. But here, with twitter, you draw a line in the sand. Why there?

CO: It gets out of hand. I would lose my mind. I have friends in bands and all they ever do is re-tweet praise. It's just not what I want twitter to be. I don't want to toot my own horn. Interviewers ask me questions, I answer them. But twitter would be me, on my own accord, saying, "Look how smart I was to write that." Fans could write in and say, "I love this song" and I could say, "thank you very much." And that's it. It's obnoxious. I want people who know me in real life…I mean, it's all real life, I know that. But you know what I mean: people who I'm close with. I just follow a few people. Very few celebrities. I want to keep it about making good records and having a good career.

II. On Mental Illness and Art

RS: Do you write poetry?

CO: Yeah. I do and I don't think I'm very good at it but I do it anyway because it's fun. I don't think other people would really - I don't think they'd be like "ooh" and praise me. I think the only way in the future people might say, "These are nice, simple poems" and enjoy them is if they like me as a songwriter and say, "His poems are okay, too." They're very simple and it seems like the weirder they are, the more people like them. But mine are very - they rhyme. They're like children's poems. I started posting them on twitter but I realized pretty soon that it doesn't work.

RS: Have any poems turned into songs?

CO: There have been a couple. They're very similar to the songs. Very simple. You know the songs. I don't think they're bad. I think there are some poems that are very good. I think they have to be presented very light-heartedly. I wouldn't want them presented as poems, even. I wouldn't want them to be reviewed or criticized. I'd want them to be available to be for free. But it's like everything we've been discussing. Same with songs and tweeting. At what point do you become afraid or start listening to people criticizing you? Often times, they're right. "Oh great, you're so smart." It's like making fun of a handicapped person. We all know that artists - whether you're a writer or anything - it's a form of mental illness. Not always, of course, but a lot of the time. I used to be friends with an artist who would say, "Painting is the last legal form of insanity that's allowed in society." I know what he's saying. You can't go hack somebody up because you want to know how it feels, but you can paint a picture. Ultimately, it's the same thing: wanting to discover feelings. Criminals say the say things as artists. I'm angry at the world and this how I get at an idea. People write songs for this reason. If you read Kurt Cobain's diaries - the guy's crazy. He has mental problems and so do I.

RS: Would you describe most artists you know in this way?

CO: Yeah. They're people having trouble accepting the way you're forced to behave in the world because of rules from hundreds or thousands of years of other people's decisions. You have no choice. Sure, you can make small decisions, but that's frustrating. You're expected to behave like everyone else. People make art because they have a hard time. Some people can be fulfilled by modern life, but other people have to say, "Me over here, I'm unsatisfied" or "I don't understand why my parents are divorced" or "I'm not fine being a part of this machine."

RS: I often think that all the art I love is really just a way of saying, "It's okay to think that way."

CO: Right. My favorite books are the one's where I'm underlining parts and I feel like I would've said that myself. Those are my favorites. Not even the ones where things are presented as new ideas. My favorites are like, "And then I didn't feel like getting out of bed that day, but I did anyway, to go to the farmer's market." It's affirming. Makes you feel less alone. One of the biggest problems in life is that you have to deal with the difficult thing that we are all a part of the herd - that's reality - but we don't want to just feel like we're part of the herd. At that same time, being an individual can feel lonely, too. So it's this balance that has to happen: you need to feel unique but also a part of society. It's difficult to admit that you're part of a system. Nobody wanted to accept communism. Americans were disgusted by that idea. Not being an individual. But when you do achieve that, when you become a movie star, next thing you know, you're Marlon Brando saying, "And I didn't have a friend in the world."

And the fact that people only go and shoot up high schools up every once in a while is actually amazing to me. It says a lot for evolution that people's chemical balances are okay. I've never had any real violent crimes happen to me. I've been mugged once. I've been beat up by punks at shows. Whatever. But, in general, I don't have bars on my windows. There are millions of people and none of them come crashing through my windows. It could be so easy. There are very violent criminals out there and people do this on their own. They don't do it out of fear of God or fear of the police. All the criminals are aware of God and the police and they know they can get around it. That's extreme, but nobody even goes and slashes everybody's tires. And you could.

And it's not just America. Of all the places I've lived, there seem to be good structures here. Japan is famous for having this great functional society. Scandanavia is considered this model society. And still, you have many great artists and writers from these places who are saying they don't feel a part of their society. So it's the world over.

RS: Supposedly, we're much less violent now than in the history of civilization.

CO: When I was younger my parents took me to volunteer in Slovenia. I could talk for hours about the work from the Yugoslavian wars. It was nothing short of horrifying. The reality of wars is horrifying. And you have Iraq and Sudan and, of course, in my mind, I'm thinking it's shocking and disgusting and I can't believe this is going on nowadays. And that's all true. But a thousand years ago, every country had their own little war, some little country they were torturing. And farther back, the Chinese and the Mongols were just riding across the plains massacring people. And that was normal. Things are getting better.

III. On War and Gossip

RS: How old were you when you were in Slovenia?

CO: 15.

RS: What were you doing there?

CO: We lived in Slovenia because that's where the war ended first. It was the safest place. It borders Croatia and Bosnia, which were still having a lot of trouble from the Serbs, who were bombing and killing them all. Everybody decided they wanted to be an independent country, and the Serbs thought, well, we'll just take Bosnia and we might as well take Croatia, too. Slovenia, though, got enough money right away from neighboring countries like Italy and Austria because they didn't want wars on their borders. And Slovenia was able to pay off Serbia, just to leave them alone, which was fine by them. The Serbs wanted the coasts and took the money from Slovenia and just committed ethnic cleansing and atrocities in these two other countries. So we lived in Slovenia. We'd receive goods from people who shipped them to us from Western Europe and we'd drive into Croatia and Bosnia and go into refugee homes, hospitals, refugee camps, with thousands of tents, where 80-year-olds and 2-year-olds were living together in small little tents. Any horrible conditions you can imagine. There were homes for teenage girls had been raped and become pregnant from soldiers. We went to dozens of these hospitals. Soldiers with limbs blown off and paralyzed - that's what war is. It was really traumatizing. So when you see that and then you hear about bombing in whatever place you don't have to deal with today - Afghanistan - it's easy for me to imagine what's actually happening. The disgusting thing is you have to admit to yourself that, yeah, it's being done in more civil ways and it happens a lot less. That's not an excuse to accept war. It's the only positive thing you can say is to look at history and know, at least we're not doing what we used to do.

RS: Have you ever protested against the war in Iraq?

CO: I went to a lot of the protests at the beginning. When the war started, the first thing America did was protest, and it did nothing. I lived in Texas at the time and even there, hundreds and thousands of people were protesting. Whole cities were shut down. But it did nothing. The '60s were just radicals but these protests were everyone. "Please don't bomb" for a week. Everyone saying it. And it didn't matter. Bombings happened as scheduled. Here goes "Shock and Awe." Disgusting names like that. It was so disheartening. I have no answers.

RS: Do these experiences make their way into songs?

CO: Yeah. I don't write protest songs but even in songs about girls and stuff, there will be lines. Maybe something about my generation.

RS: What don't you put in the songs? You're so open about so much but are there secrets you purposefully keep?

CO: I have tons of secrets. People like to think they know me but there are lots of things I will never disclose. And that's forever. Then there are tons of things people don't bother to ask, or things I don't advertise. There's commentary on the war in the last two records, but no one asks about it.

RS: Where do you draw your line for secrecy?

CO: Things that involve other people. I don't air other people's dirty laundry. I can think of five things off the top of my head that people would love to hear about. But I won't say them because they involve people I respect a lot.

RS: Because it would turn into gossip?

CO: Yeah. Well, they are things that are significant. A lot of people like to say that our first record was so much about a break up. Why? Well, there are ways I could explain why it was such a big deal. It's just not my place to expose people, even if it would make listeners understand the music more. It's fine.

RS: Is gossip bad?

CO: No. I love gossip. It's when people don't treat it as gossip, when gossip becomes gospel.

RS: Nice aphorism.

CO: I read gossip magazines. I visit Perez Hilton everyday. What's bad about it is when people don't see it for what it is. But gossip's all fun. It's never going to stop. It depends how venomous it is.

RS: And what about when it's pointed at you?

CO: It's already started a little bit. There was a specific thing that was presented recently and it was blown out of proportion and because of the way blogs work, it was recycled and presented as fact, after just a day or two. The initial post, I literally laughed at it. My friends and I looked at it and we laughed. But then a couple days later, when significant blogs were reposting it as news, that's when it got annoying. But I feel like, if I had read that blog or magazine, or if I worked there, I'd be able to look at that information and say, "I don't know how true that is," but people didn't do that. It doesn't matter. A week from now, nobody will be talking about it, I guess.

RS: Was it negative?

CO: I said something negative about two people at once. It was an aside but, without me thinking too much, it became a negative comment about this person. So right away, I said to them -

RS: On twitter?

CO: Yeah, I said to them, on twitter, it wasn't directed at you, it was directed at another person. And that was it. It wasn't embarrassing for me so much as it was embarrassing for all of us.

RS: There is that immediacy to twitter. People used to have an emotion, write a poem, revise it, publish it, have it be released months or years later. Now you have an emotion, you tweet it, it's reached the end of the publication cycle.

CO: That's what's good about it.

RS: Are you going to censor yourself now?

CO: That's the bad thing about what people did. Now I think, "Well, I'm dealing with some idiots here." That's what I didn't like about what this gossip said. It's attacking what's good about twitter. It's encouraging people to not be honest and open on twitter. Twitter is about being in the moment. Again, it's this "making fun of handicap people" idea: there are plenty of times I've looked at my writing, my songs and thought, it's all insane. It's very self-absorbed, and I wonder if I should be in school or out helping people or doing something better with myself.

RS: I think most artists ask that question.

CO: The way I help myself through the question is I remind myself that I have problems and this is how I deal with them. But it's so easy to pick on an artist. Taking advantage of a tweet is just that. We shouldn't do that. The arts are very important. Not that twitter is the arts. But taking shots at me like that aren't necessary.

RS: All this talk of the outward self seems shallow on one level, but on another level, many artists have made their life a work of art. Life as art. Personality as art.

CO: It's something people refer to as an old fashioned trend, like old Hollywood. Fake lives. In ways, you're sacrificing yourself to make a person that you wish you were. And I think that's beautiful. Vicariously forcing yourself to become a better person. The people who end up doing that are often the most vulnerable. Michael Jackson, for instance. Even down to the way he looked. He was an art project his whole life.

RS: He addressed everything he could.

CO: He was trying so badly to be a beautiful person. Regardless of what he was like, he was trying to present a person who cared about the world, to help people. Those types of people are so vulnerable because everyone wants to find the hole, the chink in the armor. And people are excited when they find out that people are weak or phony. They shouldn't be shocked. Jackson even says that his heroes were those old fashion hollywood types - Fred Astaire, Elizabeth Taylor. You almost have to hate who are are. I have to be better. I have to be better. The easiest thing in the world to do is become lazy.

I spent a lot of time around a guy who had this perfect public image. He spent so much time keeping it up, but in reality, he was a maniac. Image was everything - the way his business was perceived, all of it. And this is typical, of course - in the suburbs or wherever. But I knew this guy extremely well and I knew he wasn't that image at all. At first I had very mixed feelings about that, but over time I've come to appreciate the effort he made to leave behind this person who was better than himself. But there's another way to do that. You can shoot for that same legacy in a very genuine way. Both are commendable. Any time someone tries to better themselves is commendable. But, you know, the people who do this the best are the ones where we don't even realize it.

IV. On Drugs and Horror

RS: You've also been pretty honest about drug use.

CO: Talking honestly about drug use in history has been a good things. The people that have done so have done good things, I think. I mean, it's like closet homosexuals. If you're behaving as if it's bad, then it will always be viewed that way. That's what perpetuates the power and the stigma it has. And the appeal. You're doing something so crazy. You might as well come out and be happy. Maybe if everyone did that, there wouldn't be so much stigma about drugs. Talk about the things that society places a stigma upon. If people talked about it more, it would lose its power. The reality is that it's not that glamorous. Maybe teenagers would do it less.

RS: Do you think teenagers shouldn't do drugs?

CO: I don't know, I don't know if I have any business saying what people can do. I think there's a way of using drugs for a long time and it can be fine and constructive and okay. But I don't think most people can handle that. I have only a handful of friends who have been through this experience with me. You wouldn't even know that they're heavy drug users. It doesn't affect their success in life. But I only have a few friends like that. Most of the people I know who have problems with drugs - they can't control it. It's a bad thing

RS: Do you think it's possible for drugs not to be a problem?

CO: I think at some point it will become a problem. But I think even the people who end up having it not be a problem have to come out of it being a problem. It's a school of hard knocks thing. Just out of my experience, the people who can use drugs in a non-dramatic kind of way, as an effective tool, something that helps them get through life - they can only do that after they've learned the hard way.

RS: When you say, "effective," what do you mean by that?

CO: Drugs have obvious ways that they affect your body and mind. It's why they're prescribed There are times when they're the best thing for you. People can find out what drug is right for them and how it can help them. But this is very dangerous stuff. You can spend a few years trying to figure that out and never get there and maybe ruin your life doing it, so I can't say it's worth it. Or, say drugs were something that you got into as a teenager and it's always a good thing, never a problem - that wouldn't be any fun. So part of the whole experience is the risk. Going through the horror. But I just don't know there's any way to walk into casual drug use and have a great time. Maybe the only good thing I can say is, there is a way you find out what's good for you and still be functional and responsible and healthy.

RS: Is addiction real for you?

CO: Yes.

RS: In your experience, are drugs addictive or do people have addictive personalities? Or both?

CO: The people. Drugs are just one way it manifests itself. Some people have it with soft drinks. Or twitter. Or having to watch television for an hour after work. It's silly how many things there are. Or you get addicted to the way you deal with life in your head. Addiction is just part of being a human being. Some people have more addictive personalities than others. Some people don't need patterns, I guess. These people who need structure and get mad at you if you throw a little paper on the floor - that's an addiction. I see people fall apart when their relationship falls apart. They're addicted to that relationship. People are addicted to pets. Life is a big buffet. People pick the things they want and when they don't have it, they get upset.

RS: Are you an addictive person?

CO: To be honest, I try and stay ahead of it. When I see something becoming addictive, I try and change things up. I keep things fresh, because otherwise you grow older faster. Keep it fresh. If you're depressed, try walking home a different way. It really works.

Read More

Portrait of Merrill Garbus

photo by Roos

Read More

My interview with Marina Abramović

SIMONINI: You’ve become one of the best-known performance artists in the world. How do you feel about this new attention to performance art?

ABRAMOVIC: The last 40 years – my entire artistic career – I've tried to make performance a mainstream form of art. It's always been alternative. Museums invited you to perform at the opening gala, as a part of the entertainment. That's really wrong: Performance is serious business. It's not at all entertaining. It takes every single molecule of your being to do it. I really tried to demonstrate this in The Artist is Present and especially in the HBO film [Marina Abramovic: The Artist is Present]. We premiered it in Berlin, and it made Germans cry. To make German men cry is not an easy task.

SIMONINI:The film gives an intimate look into your life. Did you feel that the film was part of the performance at MoMA?

ABRAMOVIC: I did something that was very hard to do, which was to give the key of my apartment to the filmmaker and give him entire control. Six in the morning he comes in, and I wake up with a camera in my face. For one year, I was hard-wired. But it all had a purpose: It was important to be able to show everything to a large audience who doesn't know what performance means. I hope it will give popularity to performance and to give a space for young artists to continue after me.

SIMONINI: Would you like performance art to be viewed on an equal level to, say, painting?

ABRAMOVIC: This is why I'm making my own institute for performance art. It will be in Hudson, N.Y, a very big theatre which I bought four years ago. I just signed the contracts. It will be for long-durational performance work. Every kind of performance art: video, theatre, even opera, music – but everything has to be a minimum of six hours.

One very important aspect of the institute will be the school for the audience. How do you watch long performance art? There are many things they have to understand about concentration and contemplation. How do you see something when nothing is happening? It's really difficult. I will make work and exercises for the public, and I call it the Abramovic method.

You hear of Stanislavski method for theatre? This is the time for Abramovic method.

SIMONINI: Can you describe your method?

ABRAMOVIC: The method is based on the idea of cleaning the house. We are used to cleaning the outside house, but the most important house to clean is yourself – your own house – which we never do. For many years, I've done this with students: I start with inviting a group to a place in nature. This place has to be an extreme condition, too hot or too cold, never in-between, and we sleep all together in a barn with sleeping bags and do mental/physical exercises for five days without eating any kind of food, except water. No juices. This is very important. These exercises are designed to strengthen your willpower, to see how you work in a group and to understand your limits, how you manage anger – everything an artist needs to make a performance.

SIMONINI: What would an exercise be?

ABRAMOVIC: I take you to the middle of the forest and I blindfold you and you have to find your way home. The blind man sees with his body. An artist has to see with his body, too. Or, I make three pounds of rice and sesame seeds, all mixed, and the student has to divide them, count them separately – that kind of concentration. If the audience and the performer do this kind of exercise, then they can meet in a territory of mutual understanding.

The mind is crazy thing. To be focused is the most difficult thing. To control the breathing is to control the mind. With different patterns of breathing, you can fall in love, you can hate someone, you can feel the whole spectrum of feelings just by changing your breathing.

SIMONINI: It seems like your work is created as an antidote to the sensory overload of modern life?

Totally. Today, our attention is less than the television advertisement. We're looking at six or seven problems constantly. We're living in the disturbed societies of cities. I think modern technology is one of the worst things human beings have invented.

SIMONINI: Do you practice all of this in your daily life?

ABRAMOVIC: Yes and no. I'm like a soldier. I only do what is necessary. Between things, I'm lazy. I like easy things. My life is hard with this kind of work. After a performance, I like to go to the countryside, swim in the river, eat chocolate and watch trashy movies – and I feel good about it. This is very human.

SIMONINI: What kind of thinking would you like your art to encourage?

ABRAMOVIC: Everything is happening now. When you understand that concept, you understand everything. It's not past (already happened), or future (hasn't happened). The only thing we can relate to in our life is about this moment now. This is the only thing what matters. You and I talking. Next second we could be dead. This is the only reality we can live in. We have to be alert.

from The Globe and Mail

Read More

movie review: bridesmaids (special edition)

bridesmaids (unrated special edition)

(link)

canadian theatrical release date: 13-may-2011
writer(s): kristen wiig, annie mumulo
director: paul feig
starring: kristen wiig, maya rudolph, melissa mccarthy, rose byrne

fun fact!  on february 08, 2012, bridesmaids was announced to be the most in-demand of all the videos-on-demand.

it's a fact.

as a result of this record and the recently announced oscar nominations (ooh, topical!), we've settled on bridesmaids for the first movie we review. now watch it along with us after the jump!  or not..you know, whatever.

j/d: fbi warning!  scary!

r/r: blah blah blah interpol.  blah blah INTERPOL.

j/d: does john hamm's character really play basketball?

r/r: this opening sex scene is amazing and hilarious!  jon hamm has such a gift for comedy.  it nicely highlights the theme of gendered expectations in hetero relationships, and the literal and figurative sensation of annie being on different rhythms in her desires and life than the people around her.

j/d: and annie's floppy leg dance when he's on top is great.

j/d: that said, her early morning's (bra and panties) and last night's (nails and makeup) colour pallettes really don't match.

r/r: haha!  oh, ladygamez.  all that coded dialogue.  and then she outright reassures him that she's not like other girls!  so great.

j/d: haha!  "yeeeah!  maybe!"

r/r: lol!  and check it, more comedic analogies - annie is sitting on the fence of life, just riding back and forth on her go-nowhere career and relationship paths.  very nice!

j/d: so..milwaukee looks pretty cool..

 NOT!

(link)

r/r: does having lifelong bffs require one to maintain ruts in one's life for you to occupy together?  indeed, that seems to be the crux of the conflict between annie and lillian.

j/d: you know, if they don't want to pay for classes, they can just watch youtube.

r/r: true!  and incidentally, if any dude i was paying ever referred to me as one of "these bitches" without negotiating it first, you can fucking believe i'd be getting my twelve dollars back.

j/d: interracial best friends.  NO BIG DEAL.

r/r: hahaha!

(link)

r/r: i am cracking up at this frank discussion of pushy straight guys!

j/d: america: land of the free, home of the euphemism (adult sleepover).

j/d: dental plan!

r/r: annie needs braces!

j/d: dental plan!

r/r:

(link)

r/r: penis impression is probably one of the funniest parts of the movie.

j/d: agreed.

r/r: oh look, they're taking a shortcut down exposition lane to visit annie's old bakery!

j/d:

crack cake baby, don't come back / crack cake baby don't come back.

r/r: hey, it's the neighbour from united states of tara!  good to see he's getting work.  

j/d: fuck this job.  i'd cut my face off before working jewellery retail.

j/d: ugh, show me your "minimum wage face."

r/r: uh, kahlua?  i feel like there's something fucky in the representation but i can't really place it.  it may just be the naming, i suppose.

j/d: haha, i also wrote "kahlua? what?"

r/r: i fucking LOVE rebel wilson here, oh my goodness

j/d: aaaaa tattoo gross aaaa fuuuuuuu

r/r: hahaha

r/r: "it's a native american symbol meaning wasted" <-- i get that this was likely meant to illustrate the ignorance of the character (which it did!) and elicit a little shock-laugh from the audience (which it did not), but it was still fucking offensive to hear.

j/d: debt = drinking = debt = ...rent?

r/r: "magazine party, ooh!" i love the scenes with wiig and rudolph being friends.  they feel so natural, goofy and honest.

j/d: the fuck kind of apple is that?

j/d: lol, blowjobbing for crack.

r/r:

nightclubbing blowjobbing, we're nightclubbing blowjobbing.  

j/d: "beaver first!" this makes you a "whore?" consistently anti sex worker stance in this movie...extra weird because there's no actual sex work or workers in the story at any point.

r/r: indeed!  this seems to come up in most comedies involving women - especially women who are sexual.  i suppose throwing out the madonna aspect has made many women cling more tightly to the notion of "whore" as an opposition by which to define themselves, as opposed to conceiving of new ideas of what it means to be "good" or "bad?"  

disclaimer: this is not meant to suggest that comedies excluding women have a positive attitude towards sex work and sex workers, because that suggestion is ridiculous.

r/r: "chicken coop" LOLWUT

j/d: what.  the.  fuck.  not all farmers are pervs.

r/r: nice violent femmes cover!

j/d: femmes cover, woo!

j/d: sup dawg, i heard you like shitty cars

r/r: hahaha

j/d: "neeeds a wash" ha!  i'd punch it to the scrap heap.

j/d: rita is a seafood-green ball of horniness.

r/r: i giggle pretty much every time someone assumes any nearby man is annie's partner.

j/d: furries kicking it at disneyland for the honeymoon.

r/r: nice!

r/r:  huh.  so on the one hand, i'm really happy to see that the film represents that rudolph (and thusly lillian) is biracial.  there do appear to be some scattered black family members at the engagement party, but they are kept decisively out of the foreground.  i suspect i'll have reason to come back to this.

j/d: vibraphone ftw!  cool party band.

r/r: OMG MEGAN HAHA

j/d: like that one guy in titanic, she fell "like a pinball."  this woman rules, "i don't know, telepathically." 

j/d: interracial wedding. 

 

NO BIG DEAL (link).

r/r: helen is "so proud of [lillian]!"  for what?  for getting married?  isn't that what everyone thinks they're supposed to do?

j/d: ugh, wedding toasts.  thank fuuuu no one's going to make any for me.

r/r: word.  all those self-conscious 'woo's.

j/d: "drunken saturdays at rockin' sushi" in milwaukee, eh?  sounds...gross.  bet the toilets are rockin'.

r/r: watching this toast-off makes me feel like i've stumbled into an episode of the lesbachelor.  holy shit!  can that be a thing, if only briefly?

j/d: ugh, thailand.  fucking white people fairy vacations...

r/r: haha annie's mockery of helen making her swerve all over the road.  i can't stop thinking of that scene in tommy boy.  "BEES!  BEES IN THE CAR!" love the snl connections.

j/d: what's this guy's deal?  a uk cop in milwaukee?  what's his story?

r/r: oh man, annie's proof of sobriety dance!

i got a christmas sober time for me!

r/r: oh sorry, i guess 'exposition lane' is actually called 'ashley street.'  my mistake.

and wait, her name is annie walker?  lol!

(link)

j/d: she got pulled over for suspicion of dui but gets ticketed for her taillights?  

j/d: cake baby!  won't come back.  brits do like custard, though.

r/r: haha bill cozbi = shitty bill

j/d: bill cozbi installs gps trackers for constable accent!

r/r: YAAAY FIONA APPLE

j/d: fiona!

"movie's running two minutes short, dave."

"tack on some fiona apple baking montage thingy.  crowds love that shit."

r/r: sweetly hostile girltalk is pretty funny here. 

j/d: these ladies should party, not play tennis.  then they'd get along.

j/d: lol "fuck off, helen!"

r/r: haha, aww, this poor woman and her shitty, lonely family life!  a good signalling to annie's personal and class-based insecurities that she doesn't seem to take this in and sympathize.

j/d: tennis is SO violent in movies!

r/r: rebel williams re: sex work "no, but we did that -"; "i thought it was a very sad, handwritten book."

j/d: lots of anti-sex work, as usual.  also, odd british people are so plentiful in milwaukee.

r/r: listen to these women - "eeew this place is so scary and ethnic omg what if a poor person touches meee?"

j/d: mmm, sangria.  also, fight club!  "we just fucking attack."

r/r: "we're gonna blow this shit out." haha even more comedic foreshadowing!  i love megan.

j/d: i liked this rodeo drive scene in mighty ducks 2.

r/r: bridal shoppe ass.

j/d: yes.

j/d: are any of these designers real?  lady, you sent your measurements to a screen in france.

r/r: "let's not decide; let's let our bodies decide." that's kind of an interesting dichotomy, particularly with respect to how it plays in to ideas of biological determinism as they relate to this extremely gendered bridal experience.  probably not conscious, but very interesting to think about.

j/d: SO MUCH CURSING

j/d: SO MUCH POOP! AND PUKE!!  "look away!!!"

r/r: oh MAN, dick and poop jokes?!  this movie has it all!  finally, women are funny!

i kid, of course - and bring on the dick and poop jokes.

r/r: great camera work in the bathroom scene - that overhead shot was genius!

r/r: haha, helen and her concern-trolling play for power.

j/d: shiiiittin' in the street.

j/d: what the hell?  a wild new scene appears!

r/r: her blind date looks eerily like tobey maguire, but somehow not like uncooked liver!  it's uncanny!

j/d: digging the stripey dress, but kids: fuck off.  especially child actors.

r/r: oh, so now we have a clearer narrative of how she goes to him when she's actively hating herself.

j/d: jon hamm's car is parked directly under the net!  why would you do that?

r/r: haha at jon hamm's sexual overconfidence!  funny how often that leads to a total inability to read and meet your partner's wants/needs.

r/r: not gonna lie, gas stations can be kind of romantic.

j/d: ooh, bottled feelings water.  and she's wearing a different dress now.

j/d: oh look, constable accent is here.  third on the single lady depth chart, bag o'carrots and a big gun too!

r/r: circus wedding!  haha!

j/d: what a great, crime-free city they live in.  not even any radio chatter on the cb.  wait, he's a statey?  not a milwaukee cop, but a wisconsin state troopah?  'lol no crimes to stop, no need to go ahead and patrol - just ticket innocent people on the way to work.  way easier to get laid that way.'

...who's paying his salary?

j/d: e-mail is SO fast!!  haha, mindfreak and fancy job megan, ready to kill.

r/r: that's the second time they've referenced balls and made me laugh out loud!  are balls just a body part with inherent comedic potential?  maybe it's the asymmetry, who knows.

j/d: BALLS!

j/d: missed opportunity to mock customs.

j/d: why's it called coach, anyway?

r/r: haha!  you can see in his eyes that he looooooves her.

j/d: respect to real-life couples in art.

r/r: respect.

j/d: hey, way to not be artemis, not-artemis!

i have a bleached asshole. (link)

r/r: ...slutty college years really get it out of your system, eh rita?  that about sum up your current situation?

j/d: yeah, slutty college years!  they fix everything, and make it easy as pie to suppress all the things you aren't certain about.

r/r: this is probably my favourite line in the movie.  "you are more beautiful than cinderella!  you smell like pine needles and have a face like sunshine!"

hahahaha

j/d: mmm, scotch and pills.  not-artemis is right, toss that shit back.  

j/d: aaand she did.  this makes flying look pretty fun - and drugging people look pretty funny.  right.  good job, hollywood.  it is a funny scene, though.

r/r: man, i would have LOVED for a romance to progress between rita and becca!  a cute, vulgar, ridiculous romantic comedy where their relationship (and subsequent life-alterations and fallout) wherein each woman provides the sexual qualities the other is desperately missing.  universe!  PLEASE MAKE THIS HAPPEN.

j/d: coach?  first class?  what is this, the titanic?

r/r: nice!  bringing it back.

j/d: oh wait, it's germany.  that's more funny.  

j/d: haha "whatakindanameastove"

r/r: hahahaha

j/d: moral of this story?  use heavy sedatives to get what you want.  follow with gross, sappy guitar solo.

j/d: constable fickfackfaboo is here, drinking on the clock!  at least the bar is safe from crime.  i gotta move to this utopia!

r/r: bad continuity with the beers in this scene.

r/r: cute contrasts to the sex scene(s) from earlier.  nicely done!

r/r: huh.  if i'd just woken up and dude was all "accompany me to the kitchen," and he'd specified that it was not for more sex, i would definitely be expecting some breakfast.  i would not be expecting (nor would i be pleased by) him obligating me to cook for him - particularly after i had explicitly told him i didn't want to do that the night before.  people, take note - that kind of blatant disregard for boundaries is a shitty way to start a relationship.

j/d: hey!  bake.  you should bake, you baker.  if you don't bake, then why are you here?  i'm a cop, see?  and i'd be a cop if i wasn't.  so let me bone you while i'm a cop.  on duty.  with an accent.

yay!  now that we've fucked, bake FOR ME.  come on, who cares if you don't want to?  but we already diiiiiid iiiiit!  i still have an accent and was paid the entire time by the civilians of the state, some of whom presumably could have used my assistance.  *cough*forforcedbaking*cough*.  

r/r: what the fuck?  why can't she just say she is upset because she told him no and he ignored her (and now expects her to thank him for it)?  that is a shitty way to treat people!

j/d: what if she did porn instead of baking?

r/r: I THOUGHT THAT TOO

j/d: fuck you, officer coldplay.

j/d: fucking people using their phone like it's a mic and they're on stage.

r/r: i like annie's shorts when she gets the shower invite!

j/d: that poor butterfly! D*X

j/d: yay, passive aggressive cops.

r/r: ugh, can we please issue a moratorium on the use of the word "cunt" (as an overwhelmingly and/or innately gendered insult) in comedy?  it's clear that comedy writers are going for some sort of edge in employing it, and equally clear that it could soon be as common an uncritically presented as the majority of rape jokes.  which reminds me, i'll note my tally of jokes about non-consent (along with my tallies of how many black people appeared in the background of the movie, how many black people appeared in the foreground of the movie; how many times i laughed out loud, and how many of those times were attributed to megan) at the end of this dialogue. 

j/d: yawn, cock baby.

j/d: yawn, milwaukee.

j/d: still same nail polish as before.

r/r: good eye!

j/d: pink lemonade is best.  but how come she's having trouble drinking it while driving?  she was fine talking into her microphone earlier.  

r/r: who the fuck dresses for horseback riding at this kind of formal event?  this scene has a bunch of great jabs at the wedding-industrial-complex (something i think this film represents in a relatively uncritical way, unfortunately).

j/d: accordians rule.

r/r: oh, how i love accordians.

r/r: haha, he tells her the champagne is french?

technically, all champagne is french. (link)

woo, snl connection!

j/d: what the fuuuu helen is too much with the one-ups.  like, does she work for nintendo?  is that why they're rich?

r/r: "helen's..taking me to paris!"

oh buster!  how terribly grand! (link)

and also so true to the way that straight women may often use the threat of perceived queerness against each other in order to preserve an existing social order; and also as a way to sublimate and distance themselves from (the sexual aspects of) their jealousy. 

j/d: haha, she's wiig-ging out!  that's right, motherfuckers!  "fucking baguettes?!"

j/d: i'd like a piece of that giant cookie right about now.  

my friendship with abed is a giant cookie! (link)

j/d: so much asshole-bleaching!  someone call artemis.

r/r: HOLYSHIT!!  lillian's mom is the same woman who plays bonnie kelly!!!

(link)

clearly she will let artemis know about all of this anal bleachery.

r/r: lol annie-dog.

j/d: hey man, what the fuck?  you just give dogs away?  like they're some disposable fucking party favour?  like the dog is a fucking slice of cake, or a candle, or a corkscrew?  fuuuuck that, man,  i hope those dogs shit in your eyes.

r/r: yay, hole!

j/d: hole, nice.

r/r: ahaha megan and the dogs!

j/d: oooh no!  contrived scene involving jon hamm, basketball aficionado; and constable cockney, the accented asshole.

r/r: haha cockney? 

j/d: how did the constable know there was a problem?  like, how was he informed he had work to do?  and why is he yelling at her?  he's a fuck.

j/d: waaah, i am man and i am confused.  cleary work of female trickery!  certainly not reaction to my pushy stupidity...

r/r: boom!

j/d: boom!

r/r: "annie!  it's called humour!  learn about it!"  okay, this was also one of the best lines in the movie for me.  how fucking excellently meta for a laydeecomedie!  i love it!!

j/d: man, why is wilson the everlasting icon of outcasts?  like, come on guys.

i'm a nautical adventurer!  and a BALL!

 r/r: hmm...i'm not exactly complaining here, because the more time megan gets onscreen the better.  but where did megan's overtures of friendship come from?  aside from a few facial expressions in the background, we aren't given any cues as to what makes megan want to befriend annie (except that she likes puppies?  and annie is kind of like...a dog who is down?  i don't know, i'm fucking reaching here, lol!).  but what purpose does this reveal of megan's origin story and subsequent awesomeness serve other than having megan exposit about how she is totally not a stereotype (and believe me, putting these words in the characters mouth makes your satisfaction in doing so practically scream) while subtly reprimanding the rest of us for not being as awesome as she is, and thus exonerating the filmmakers from any previously problematic and/or offensive stereotypical representations they themselves choose/have chosen to exploit?

r/r: great physical comedy by both of them, though. 

j/d: sad cop is sad.  lucky raccoons eat cupcakes!

raykins! (link)

j/d: come in!  it's morning!  let's knock on doors and wake up for weddings.

r/r: eew, tuna and syrup?

j/d: mmm, tuna with syrup.  that's not gross, it's fucking awesome.  it's not gross.  it's noT.

j/d: yes, but has anyone ever really sat down and taught him how to dougie?

r/r: annie's joy at seeing helen ugly is so funny and cruelly true!  as are helen's ridiculous attempts to ingratiate herself to annie.

j/d: "no, i'm not really an ugly crier. no, no, it's just my makeup."

r/r: haha!  all that matters is that she believes it.

j/d: hey, look who's continuing to disregard the breaking of various laws!  what a stand-up cop man.  

r/r: oh, gross.

j/d: look, she pretended to be black.  go arrest her.

r/r: grooooss!!

j/d: the state trooper used his fucking cell phone to talk to dispatch!  his cell phone!  yes!  what the fuck!  do they not have specific radios for police services over which they can more quickly and perchance securely exchange this information without paying a telecommunications company?  is this police division seriously that stupid?

r/r: annie, he's not saying he doesn't accept your apology.  and really, if your apology is contingent on being forgiven, it is definitely not an honest apology.

j/d: waahboo taillights i'll never bother you again waaaah

j/d: hey lillian, guess what?  weddings suck.

r/r: haha!  also, i...don't like it when a black lady calls a white lady 'boss.'

j/d: true.  and i'm not entirely sure the climactic piano-talk really contained any authentic resolution.  "i spoke!  it's okay!"

j/d: were there zero mockups/sketches/swatches/designs/consultations/pdfs exchanged of this wedding dress at any point?

r/r: i like how they kept the feather detail from the shoulder of the one she shat in.  she probably should have just had that one cleaned (if possible)!  couldn't have been more expensive than this hideous thing.

j/d: what a gaudy-ass laser fireworks wedding...and sooo many wireless mics!

r/r: damn, this ending really underscores how gendered the perception of weddings is.  it is all completely about lillian!  the ceremony even features them playing her favourite song, by her favourite band - all memories from when she was young, and before she and dougie began sharing their lives.  it's actually kind of weird and hilarious - groom of the wedding movie is a total plot contrivance (because we only really need him so that we can have the wedding, right?); jon hamm is a stereotypically sexist (hilariously convincing in his performance!) and emotionally-withholding villain; and officer mccoersion is a gendered, hetero fantasy (with all the pitfalls of compromised desires, nonconsent, and bullshit power play afforded by his status as copman - much as he shirks his coply responsibilities).  it's so strange how absent he (dougie) is!  lillian goes missing, and he is fine with helen traipsing about in search of her while he...does what, exactly?  doesn't he feel concern over her whereabouts or need reassurance from her about her feelings?  she just almost bailed on their wedding, as far as he knows!

please don't misread me; i'm not interested in the story being re-written to prominently feature dougie.  it is meant to be a story about these women and their specific inter-relationships.  but breaches of story-logic like this are difficult to ignore, and leave awkward lapses in the cohesion of the story.          

j/d: poor douguie.  who is he as a person?  what does he do?  what does he care about?  is his relationship with lillian a positive influence on his life?  how does the wedding effect him?  how does his wife's difficulty transitioning to married life, and the one-way orchestration of their wedding ceremony effect him?  how does this characterize him, and in kind, her?  instead we have two other dude characters that are more directly relevant to the plot of the film due to their relation to the main character, and who exist at his expense.

j/d: limos at weddings = we're leaving to fuuuuck!

r/r: haha, so true!

j/d: hey, officer chivalry is here to mumble his way all over an apology at the wedding he wasn't invited to.  this seems like a lovely summation of their conflict!  "hey look, i'm here even though you said not to be!"  how charming.  he's not wearing the uniform, but he has the car.  what's going on here, is he on duty or not?  he was fighting raccoons...was he on duty then?  

j/d: "i'm just going to kiss you now."  don't bother telling me what you want.

r/r: haha!  how romantic!

j/d: HOLY FUCK!  there's a radio!  and a uniform!  and an intimation that this man who wears a badge has any form of responsibility!  at which point he promptly puts her in the back to punish her because of 'regulations.'  you know, the same ones he disregarded while drinking on the job, ignoring crimes on the job, fucking on the job, taking the car to a wedding to win her back on the job...man fuck that guy.  

 **

lol count: approximately 30.

megan-inspired lol count: approximately 13.

black characters in the foreground: 3 (lillian, lillian's father, kahlua)

black actors in the background: approximately 14.

so basically, the minimum amount of blackness the producers could get away with representing on screen, while still paying lip service respect to the fact that half of lillian's family is black.  in actuality, it is maya rudolph's mother who was black - but i can't imagine the leverage one would have needed to convince the studio to include more black women.  just think of it - but we gave you kahlua!  coloured folks are so mean and demanding! *poutypoutpout*

making comedy of non-consent: a list.

-unwilling blowjobs are a mildly frequent feature of hetero-sex

-roommates violate privacy multiply; significantly

-being forced into debt and homelessness by the wedding-industrial-complex

-just be a baker again!  i'm soooo nice, right?

-megan's hyper-aggressive approach to not-air-marshall-john

-helen on the airplane: lol, i drugged u

-"sometimes i just want to watch the daily show without him entering me."

-"the tsa is just gonna rip his ass apart!  hahah!etc.heehee!"

obviously (given that this is a mainstream comedy and also a romantic comedy), it was straight and white as the washington monument.  

our verdict?

 ...pretty much a movie!

Read More